Forgiveness can be one of the hardest concepts to understand – and one of the most personally helpful actions to take. This is especially so for parents who have experienced divorce. If you want to move on and give yourself and your children the better future you deserve, consider the power of forgiveness!

Here are six steps to assist you in the process:

1. Be aware that forgiveness is all about you – not the person being forgiven. It does not mean you agree with or accept their behavior — nor that you will you permit it to be repeated.

2. Reflect upon how holding on to your anger has been creating continuing pain in your life. Are you filled with tension or sorrow, spending sleepless nights, experiencing headaches and other stress signals? Consider who is being more adversely affected by your lack of forgiveness. Aren’t you tired of hurting?

3. Create a list of how you were wronged. Review it again. This time ask yourself to what extent you might have been responsible for the outcome? Were you totally honest about your feelings? Did you agitate the situation with you own behavior or comments? Did you fail to assert yourself when you might have? Acknowledging your part is a step toward feeling less like a victim.

4. Focus on the lessons you’ve gained from this experience. Are you stronger, wiser, more assertive or in other ways a better person because of this relationship? Have you moved in new directions that you might never have explored were it not for the divorce? Can you see these traits as benefits or payoffs for the lessons you’ve learned?

5. Now create a second list – writing down the attributes you now have resulting from the past. Compare it with the first list. Can you see a smarter, more confident, better you as a result? Are you ready to move on and embody those new traits? Are you ready for joy and peace in your heart? Is it time to stop feeling like a victim and start acting like a victor?

6. Give yourself permission to forgive your ex (and yourself) for all the pain in the past. Sit alone, or invite special friends to join you, in a ceremony celebrating your new life. Take your two lists and burn them, tear them to pieces, place them in a bottle you throw into a river – whatever you choose to symbolize your letting go.

Whatever we focus our energy on naturally increases. Forgiveness frees you up to put your energy where you want it – on you and the future you desire. Don’t waste another minute feeding grief, pain, sorrow and the wounds of yesterday. Forgiving is healing. If for no other reason, do it for your children!

*     *     *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For free articles, her blog, coaching services, valuable resources on divorce and parenting and her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies for Getting It Right! go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Rosalind Sedacca All Rights Reserved

According to Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW, “shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.  Shame corrodes the piece of us that believes we are capable of change.”  Who is Brené Brown, you ask?  She is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work and has spent the past decade studying vulnerability, courage, worthiness, and shame.  As Dr. Brown says, there is a huge difference between telling someone they made a mistake and telling them that they are a mistake.  People tend to feel guilty when they realize they made a mistake.  “Guilt is the motivator of change,” says Dr. Brown.  If one is led to believe that they are the mistake, how do they address that?  They don’t.  How does one improve if they believe that they are incapable of change?  They don’t.

During the course of her research, Dr. Brown discovered the following twelve categories of shame:  (1) appearance & body image; (2) money & work; (3) motherhood/fatherhood; (4) family; (5) parenting; (6) mental & physical health (including addiction); (7) sex; (8) aging; (9) religion; (10) speaking out; (11) surviving trauma; and (12) being stereotyped & labeled.  Do you realize that when dealing with the dissolution of relationships where families are involved, at least 3 categories of shame can potentially come into play?

It should be noted that according to Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate® Dictionary, 11^th Edition, parent is defined as “one that begets or brings forth offspring” and “a person who brings up and cares for another.”  On the other hand, parenting is defined as “the raising of a child by its parents.”  People often confuse those terms.  Does an uninvolved parent cease being a parent?  No.  Does a parent whose parenting skills leave something to be desired cease being a parent?  No.  In other words, for better or for worse, a parent is always a parent, unless they give the child up for adoption or their parental rights are otherwise terminated.

Will someone become a good parent if we shame them into believing that they are a bad parent?  Not according to Brené Brown.  In fact, not only will they act in accordance with their belief, but we tend to let them off the hook because we expect no more.  The question then becomes, how does someone become a better parent?  Since shame has the opposite effect and “guilt is the motivator of change,” wouldn’t it make sense to cause someone to want to step up to plate and take responsibility?  Is it by convincing the other parent that they are wrong?  Have you ever tried to convince a person that they were wrong?  It doesn’t work.

Fortunately, studies have found that the ratio of positive to negative comments impacts behavior.  In fact, the “Ideal Praise–to-Criticism Ratio” is basically the same, whether it involves personal or business matters.  In his book, “What Predicts Divorce?: The Relationship Between Marital Processes and Marital Outcomes,” John Gottman found that “the single biggest determinant [as to whether or not wedded couples will divorce] is the ratio of positive to negative comments the partners make to one another….  He found that the optimal ratio was five positive comments to every negative one….  For those who ended up divorced, the ratio was something like three positive comments for every four negative ones.”  Interestingly enough, Emily Heaphy, Assistant Professor of Organizational Behavior at the Boston University School of Management and Marcial Losada, Ph.D., conducted research, wherein they “examined the effectiveness of 60 strategic-business-unit leadership teams at a large information-processing company….  They found that average ratio for the highest-performing teams was 5.6 (that is, nearly six positive comments for every negative one).”

We cannot change other people, we can only change ourselves.  We need to accept personal responsibility for our contribution to the problem.  As they say, it takes two to tango.  According to Albert Einstein, the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”  Maybe if we changed our approach, we might discover a change in the results.  If people want to improve “team performance,” whether with a spouse, significant other, co-parent, co-worker, or anyone else, maybe they should consider the “Ideal Praise–to-Criticism Ratio” and stop the shaming.

Mark Baer Esq. is Founder of Mark B. Baer Inc., a Professional Law Corporation and divorce. Mark has been practicing family law for over 20 years and is one of the foremost legal authorities in the country. He handles all areas of family law including but not limited to divorce, child custody and support, spousal support, high-net worth divorce, property division and domestic violence.

www.markbaeresq.com

http://www.linkedin.com/in/markbaeresq

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We can get so entrenched in being part of a ‘unit’ when married that we lose ourselves.  If our spouse is the dominant one, we may have fallen into a pattern of acquiescing to his/her desires and demands.  If there are issues of anger management, abuse, addiction or control, we may have shrunk so far into the shadows of the marriage that we got lost.

That is what happened to me. When my marriage was clearly on the rocks, I reached out for help to a therapist I had seen years earlier.  I remember her stating (ever so gently) that I was a shell of the woman she had met previously. I was lost and truly didn’t know how to find my way back to being me.

If you haven’t been in that situation, you might cock your head to the side and wonder how is that possible.  But for those who have, I hope this article is a beacon of light to help you find your way home to the uniquely beautiful, powerful person you were designed to be.

When something goes ‘wrong’, whose voice do you hear in your head?  Do you immediately wonder how your spouse is going to react or what they are going to say and then figure out how you will respond accordingly?  When you want to do something, is the voice in your head encouraging and building you up or tearing you down?  Do you know what you think and how you feel and can you stand firmly in your own opinions?  Or do you have doubt and look toward him or her for direction, guidance, and acknowledgement?

If you have lost yourself, take comfort in knowing that simply being aware of it is the first step to finding your way back.

First, put your bat away!!  You have probably been ‘beat up’ enough by the words or actions of the controlling personality in your life and you do not need to berate yourself but rather to be gentle, loving and compassionate.  I used to call myself ‘such an idiot’.  That certainly didn’t help me get back on my feet.

Second, look at how you treat yourself.  No one is going to treat you with respect until you respect and love yourself.  If you have children, when they do something ‘wrong’ would you speak to them the way you speak to yourself?  Most likely not.  Begin to parent yourself the way you parent your children.  Show love and compassion and patience with yourself.

Third, draw up an eviction notice!  That’s right, it is time to evict him or her from you head.  They are renting space in your head and it is not serving you in the least.  Their voice is loud and booming and yours has become a barely audible whisper. Send them packing.

A fun exercise (especially if you feel intimidated by this person) is to imagine a caricature of them…all their most prevalent physical features enhanced.  Now imagine them with a worn out suitcase looking timid while packing and leaving.  Each time you hear their voice instead of yours in your head, imagine the caricature of you evicting them and you will smile and shift your thoughts.

Finally, now that they have been evicted, you need to move back in!  This is sometimes the hardest step and a great place to work with a coach to help you dust off who you are and who you want to be and step back into your power.  Ask yourself a series of questions when situations arise:

What do I think about ____?

How do you feel about ____?

How would I react if I did not have to consider anyone else’s perspective?

If his or her voice comes back, consider what you would do if they were not part of the equation…if they had taken a trip to the moon…no fear, no consequences, no criticism.

It is perfectly natural to be unsure, even insecure in your own thoughts and feelings if you have been living in the shadows of another person.  No worries.  It’s like riding a bike and before you know it you are clear, confident and fully capable of not only knowing what you think but of speaking your mind and standing by your values and beliefs.

If this article rings true for you or you used to be in this situation and have found your way home to yourself, we would love to hear from you.  Tell us your story or share your tips.

Karen McMahon, Certified Relationship & Divorce Coach and the Founder of JourneyBeyondDivorce.com.  Karen has created a team of divorce coaches whose passion is to work with men and women facing relationship challenges or going through the divorce process.  Her desire is to help them navigate their difficulties while focusing on personal growth and embracing the opportunities inherent in their changing circumstances.

Drew Barrymore was married twice, both times briefly, before marrying her current husband. In a recent interview with Good Housekeeping, she exudes confidence and serenity as she says: “I will literally fight like a lion to keep my family happy and intact. Maybe I wouldn’t feel that way if I’d had a great family growing up. This is my time for that, and I will never take it for granted.” Her statement reflects a sentiment that many daughters of divorce like her hold dear. Marriage is very sacred to her. And she  will stop at nothing to preserve it.

This is the silver lining of growing up in a divorced family. When you are faced with the pain of your parents’ breakup, you internalize it and tell yourself, “I will never put my own child through that.” You don’t approach relationships or marriages the way your counterparts from intact homes do. You tend to approach things with thought and caution. When you find the man you want to share your life with, you can be fiercely determined to make sure it works out.

Prior to meeting Kopelman, Barrymore started many of her relationships impulsively and with a “full steam ahead” mentality. But with time and consideration, she says of meeting her husband: “This was a much more thoughtful and slow and sober process. It felt clearheaded and rational.” She describes her deep love for her husband calling him her “North Star” and that when she met him she realized that “you need to stop trying to prove your point too much, and listen to the other person. That’s been a really wonderful revelation.” Drew Barrymore demonstrates that it can take a great deal of trial and error to find a peaceful and satisfying relationship. She did not arrive on her marriage with Will Kopelman by chance, but through years of self-reflection.

Many women who grew up in divorced homes have the “fight like a lion” mentality of Drew Barrymore. They want to break the legacy of divorce in their families and make sure their own children have different upbringings. This is certainly an admirable desire. But it’s important for Drew Barrymore and women like her to be gentle with themselves. “I don’t want perfection,” she says. “I don’t actually believe in it. What I’ve learned along the way is, work with what you have; embrace what you’ve been given. Don’t fight against it.” It’s important to remember that you can do only do your best each day, and to not be too hard on yourself when things don’t go as planned.

Waiting until her late thirties to have a child, Drew Barrymore says she tries to approach motherhood with calmness, dedication, and focus. “My favorite thing about being a mom is just what a better person it makes you on a daily basis,” she says. She is wise to approach her new marriage with the same sense of calm. A woman wise beyond her years, Drew Barrymore has learned the hard way what it takes to live the best life possible. Hers is a story many daughters of divorce share.

By Tracy Clifford

It can be very challenging to date after your divorce. There are many potential obstacles to overcome, such as learning to trust, feeling good about yourself if you’ve been in a degrading relationship, and balancing work, kids, parents, and your own self-care. It’s a complex process, and it takes time to heal after divorce. This article is for those who have done the internal work and are dating again. Dating can feel disheartening at times, so I’ve provided some tips on how to stay optimistic throughout the dating process.

What’s your dating experience? Do you have first dates that don’t lead to second dates, and second dates that don’t lead to a relationship? Perhaps you have dates with no chemistry, or dates with off-the-charts attraction but no substance? Many of you have given up on dating altogether. You are not alone. In fact, you’re in great company. Welcome to Dating After Divorce 101!

The challenge is to keep on going, maintain your self-esteem after so-called ‘rejection’, and become a dating optimist.

4 Tips for Staying Optimistic When Dating After Divorce

1.  It’s usually not your fault. Most dates don’t lead to long-term relationships. You are looking for someone special, not just anyone. It takes time and effort to sift through potential matches until you find the person who’s right for you. You’re only looking for one great guy. Keep this in the back of your mind when a date doesn’t work out. The most important thing is to stay in the game, and don’t give up. It’s just a matter of time and effort before you meet your mate.

 2.  Sometimes it is something you said or did. First dates are all about first impressions. That’s why it’s important to watch what you say and do on your date. People misread cues all the time. After each date, it’s a good idea to review what went well and what you could do better next time. One of the big offenders? Absolute statements, such as ‘I never’ or ‘I always’. For example, what if you said, “I would never live in Manhattan,” but you meant, “I prefer the country now, but wouldn’t mind living in Manhattan when my kids are grown”? He may never call again, because he’s a city guy and you’re a country girl and he thinks it will never work out. This happens all the time. So, choose your words well and stay away from those absolutes. Stay open and curious, and things will flow much better next time.

 3.  Keep on going. It’s important to not come undone after each bad date. If you’re feeling down, get out and do something fun or nurturing for yourself. Get together with friends. Be good to yourself. And then get back in the saddle and go on the next date. And try something new. If one dating site is not working, try another. Try meetup.com, a great way to meet people with common interests. He’s out there somewhere, but you will never find him if you’re hiding out at home, watching ‘Downton Abbey’.

4.   Be grateful. In order to move on in a healthy way, don’t dwell on what’s not working in your love life. Focus on what is working and be grateful. Develop a gratitude practice. Notice the wonderful things in your life every day. Appreciate the people who love you. You might want to make a gratitude list at the end of every day. Or find a ‘gratitude buddy’, a good friend you can call daily/weekly to chat about what you’re both grateful for. A good positive attitude is one of the most important things to bring on a date.

Become a dating optimist, and you will exude positive energy throughout your life. You’ll bring that good energy on every date. And when the right guy shows up, you’ll be irresistible to him!

Got any great tips for how you stay optimistic while dating? Please share below.

Note: If you want to learn the top three mistakes midlife daters make (and how to turn them around to find love now!), sign up here for my FREE report.

Bio: Sandy Weiner, Dating Coach and Founder of Last First Date, believes that the best relationships begin with honoring yourself first. Sandy is an internationally known dating coach, blogger and workshop leader, and a regular contributor to the Huffington Post on dating and divorce. Listen to her weekly radio show, ‘Courageous Conversations’, at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/sandyweiner. Sandy is devoted to helping women over 40 break old love habits and achieve healthy, off-the-charts love in the second half of life.

The truth about divorce is that it changes the dynamic of the parent and child relationship. It calls on us, as parents, to be stronger, more compassionate people. Parents who take control of their own lives, with courage and resilience, help their children do the same. Divorce is not for wimps.  It draws on every ounce of energy from parents, forcing them to create a new kind of family.

You see, when parents’ divorce, their children are forced to give up their sense of control. Let’s face it, divorce is a decision made by parents – not by children. Children who endure their parents’ breakup are faced with making choices that decrease their sense of security. These choices can range from whose house to have their birthday party at to worrying about upsetting one parent’s feelings. When children are put in a position where they feel they have to choose between their parents they may experience divided loyalties.

As a parent, it is crucial that you help your child from feeling burdened with the anguish of being stuck in the middle between two angry parents or choosing sides. Listening to your child’s perspective   and accepting their feelings and view of their situation is crucial to promoting healthy communication with them.  Karen’s story illustrates a child of divorce’s desire to stay out of the middle between her parents’ two worlds.

Karen, an articulate thirteen-year old nailed it when she spoke about the discomfort she felt when listening to her parents’ argue after their divorce: “My parents are so different, I mean my mom is high strung and my dad is easy going.”  I requested that Claudia, Karen’s mom attend our next counseling session because I wanted to empower Karen by giving her the opportunity to express her feelings and to give Claudia the chance to learn more about her daughter’s experience.

During our session, Karen requested that her mom stop putting her dad down for being late to pick her up for visits. “It hurts me when I hear you say he must not want to see me or he doesn’t care enough to be on time. Why don’t you ask me what I think? If you did, you’d realize I don’t care if he’s running late.” Several weeks later, Karen had a parallel session with her dad wherein she was able to disclose that she was tired of being compared to her mother when he was disappointed in her.

An important lesson can be learned from Karen’s comments. First and foremost, try not to involve your child in your anger at your ex. Remember they didn’t ask for the divorce and are powerless to control many aspects of their life. The first step in becoming a responsible co-parent is to put your child’s needs before your own. However, if your ex is hostile or uncooperative, work toward acceptance and focus on your own behavior.  Keep in mind, you can only do so much to influence your ex’s behavior and could make things worse if he/she sees you as demanding or antagonistic.

You see, divorce forever pits children and even adult offspring between their parents’ two disparate worlds.  The pressure of making decisions about spending time with both parents – especially around the holidays – can cause an adult child of divorce to feel guilty or anxious. If at all possible, try to reduce expectations and suggest rotating holidays.

Even though children don’t cause their parents’ divorce, they often feel responsible for their parents’ happiness. In some cases, they might side with one parent against the other parent, which can cause alienation or even estrangement. In What About the Kids? Judith Wallerstein, a pioneer divorce researcher who passed away recently, cautions us that a serious problem exists when a child and a parent of either sex joins forces in an outright alignment against the other parent. 

Many adult children of divorce I’ve interviewed describe the pressure of divided loyalties.  Melissa, a lively twenty-one year old college student speaks candidly about her struggle to cope with loyalty conflicts since age eight. She recalls: “It was really hard to interact with both of my parents after their divorce. When they were saying nasty things about each other, I just never wanted to take sides.”

Loyalty conflicts can make some kids feel as if they need to keep a secret.  Melissa continues, “I felt like I had to keep my dad’s new girlfriend a secret because my mom didn’t know about her yet. You see I didn’t think she’d approve because Shelly was a lot younger than my dad.” When my mom asked me if my dad had a girlfriend I lied but she eventually found out when she saw them together.” Melissa’s story reminds us that children should never feel burdened by their parent’s decisions. Let them enjoy their childhood and think about how you want them to remember you when they grow up.

 These strategies can prevent your child or adolescent from developing problematic loyalty conflicts:

• Be willing to let your ex have the last word and walk away when your interaction becomes adversarial. Even if you can’t be friendly allies, being cordial and respectful is a worthy goal.

• Avoid confiding your feelings about your ex to your child. If you do this it forces them to choose sides and can worsen loyalty conflicts.

• Always recognize that your ex is your child’s parent and deserves respect for that reason alone.

• Be aware that if your child hears you make negative comments about your ex it can have a detrimental impact on them.  Pay attention to where your child is when you are talking about your ex.  Don’t talk about issues they shouldn’t hear when they’re in close proximity.

Keeping your differences with your ex away from your children will have a positive impact on their well-being in the years to come. It’s also imperative that you remind them that your divorce isn’t their fault and that they should feel free to talk about their feelings with a trusted friend or therapist.  Judith Wallerstein reminds us that parents can hinder their children’s development by holding onto past grievances.  Conversely, you can help your child adjust to post-divorce life by providing loving encouragement and keeping their best interests in mind.     

Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW

I’d love to hear your divorce stories and any experience you have with divided loyalties.

My parents divorced when I was eight. My mom remarried when I was ten. My half-sister was born when I was twelve. In between all of that I was moving between two houses, enduring changes at school, and my dad was also engaged in a permanent relationship with the woman who later became his wife. These were a lot of changes for a kid to go through. My parents did an admirable job helping me through it, but it didn’t change the fact that I was angry. I remember telling my parents many times: “I didn’t ask for any of this.”

Feelings of powerlessness and lack of control are hard for any person to take. It’s especially difficult for children who are still developing and lack the emotional maturity of an adult. At the age of twenty six, I can look back at my childhood with perspective and feel very lucky to have had parents who were, and still are, devoted and loving towards me. Their decisions may have been hard for me to deal with at the time, but looking at them from an adult perspective, I understand why they made them.

It is alarmingly clear as you become an adult that there are countless things that happen to you that are both unwanted and unexpected. Your husband cheats on you. You didn’t ask for that. You get laid off from your job. Didn’t ask for that either. Maybe a good friend betrayed you or you lost a close relative due to an accident or illness. There are countless events people experience each day that belong in the category of “Life Isn’t Fair.” It’s a tough pill for anyone to swallow, but when a traumatic event like a divorce happens, it’s harder for children to understand.

In an ideal world, each member of a family should feel safe. They should believe that each member of the family is making decisions that will benefit everyone. The breakup of a family can’t be compared to the loss of a job or a similar traumatic event, because it’s personal. In a child’s mind, the people they trusted the most to take care of them have let them down. There are few pains that go deeper and wider in this world.

In addition to feeling powerless and telling my parents, “I didn’t ask for this” I had it in my mind that life would be better when I was an adult. Especially as a pre-adolescent, adulthood represented the greatest freedom to me. I knew that being raised in a divorced home and becoming part of stepfamily was a fate that was being forced upon me. As an adult, I believed I could live anywhere I wanted, travel anywhere I had in mind, take any job I desired, and spend time only with the people I wanted to. While it’s true adults have more autonomy than children, my pre-adolescent musings were far from realistic.

I know now that adulthood is full of compromise, full of wonderful experiences you don’t always deserve, and equally full of unpleasant ones you never expect. I know that human beings are frail and imperfect, and that sometimes bad decisions are made. Although I’m an adult with all the “freedom” I ever wanted, my life today is the sum total of all my choices – good and bad. I have hurt others and they have hurt me. There are so many things I didn’t ask for. But I know that blaming myself or anyone else for any number of unintended outcomes in my life doesn’t serve anyone. And so I learn to accept myself and others, despite mistakes and failings.

As a reluctant stepchild I said, “Nobody asked me.” I wish I could give my younger self, and all unwilling children of divorce a gift that only time can give them – perspective.

I encourage your comments below!

Tracy Clifford

As a single parent, it is of primary importance that you help your children cope with your divorce and develop a mindset of being a positive role model for them. In order to do this, you must take care of yourself. Parents who take control of their own lives, with courage and resilience, help their children do the same. Single parenting is not for wimps. It draws on every ounce of energy from you, forcing you to become a more compassionate person.

How can you embrace this time of your life as an opportunity? First of all, it’s imperative that you focus on the things that are truly important and learn to let other things go. This involves making a commitment to helping your children adjust to your divorce and practicing amicable co-parenting. Working together with your ex and communicating effectively is ideal. However, if this isn’t possible, either because your ex is absent or adversarial, you can still become a successful single parent.

The key to successful single parenting is to reflect daily upon the importance of preparing for your new life and accepting that change is necessary. It will take time for you and your children to adjust to your new lifestyle but developing a positive mindset will help ease the transition.  

Here’s a small slice of advice that will help you and your children adjust to divorce:

1. Give your kids time to adjust to the news that their parents are no longer married.  Keep in mind that they will need time to get used to their new schedule and they may show signs of distress or withdraw at times. Divorce is a decision made by parents and children may react negatively to the lack of control they feel. Reassure them that you are there for them and that things will get better.

2. Open up the lines of communication with your kids. Be open and honest without giving them too many details or blaming your ex for the divorce. Even if you perceive that he or she was responsible they shouldn’t hear it from you. Take every opportunity to listen, support, and encourage them to talk about their feelings with you and/or someone they trust.

3. Make peace with your ex and keep it that way. No matter how you feel about your ex, don’t bad mouth him or her or argue with them in front of your kids. Children pick up on petty fighting and may take it personally. So walk away or take on the role of peacemaker if tension is brewing with your ex. Otherwise, your children will feel forced to take sides, which may cause them to develop loyalty conflicts.

4. Ensure smooth transitions. Children often experience high stress moving from parent to parent. Try your best to develop routines for their leaving and coming home. Be sure not to make them a messenger or ask them to report on the parent they just left. Attempt to be flexible yet consistent with the custody schedule. Keep in mind that as kids reach adolescence they may become rebellious about following the original custody schedule and need more control.

5. Remember to set limits and maintain positive parenting practices. At times, you may feel guilty about putting your child through a divorce but don’t let that stop you from setting effective limits and boundaries. For instance, allowing your child to stay up late or sleep with you may backfire because you both need your space and sleep. Be aware that kids play parents off each other and may say things like “Dad (or mom) lets me stay up until midnight.” Even if this is true, you can say “Your dad (or mom) has his or her rules, but in my house bedtime is at 9pm.”

6. Learn to trust yourself and embrace your new life by taking care of you. For example, sign up for yoga or an exercise class, eat healthy, and schedule in social times with friends. You will be a more effective parent if you are rested and feel connected to others. Counseling, coaching, or a support group can be helpful supports that will enhance your transition to your new life.

As a parent who is taking care of themselves and gaining confidence, you are equipping your child with the best tools possible and the self-esteem to move forward with their life. Developing a sense of adventure and new rituals such as family game night or walks will help you stay connected with your children. You can choose to model self-acceptance and hope for your kids. Learning to laugh at yourself and focusing on the big picture will enable you and your children to make a good adjustment to divorce.   

I’d love to hear about your experiences as a single parent. Please share your stories in the comments below. 

Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW

So let’s take a closer look at both guilt and rejection and examine two common scenarios – whether someone is a dumper or a dumpee in the divorce process. These two terms were coined by divorce expert Dr. Bruce Fisher in his groundbreaking book Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends. Fisher writes “Dumpers are the partners who leave the relationship, and they often feel considerable guilt; dumpees are the partners who want to hang on to the relationship, and they often experience strong feelings of rejection.”

Since relationship patterns are complicated, it’s important to remember that the roles of dumper and dumpee aren’t always clearly defined and that sometimes they can be reversed. For instance, a partner might be told by their spouse that their marriage is over, and then they decide to file for divorce. Surprisingly, it’s not always the dumper who files for divorce. Sometimes the dumpee simply gets tired of waiting and takes this bold step as a way to take charge of their life.

By the way, some people have a strong negative reaction to the words “dumper” and “dumpee” while others can relate to these terms and like using them. In spite of these qualifications, I firmly believe that these categories are relevant to understanding both feelings of guilt and rejection after divorce.

When you think about it, aren’t guilt and rejection two sides of the same coin when it comes to post-divorce emotions? It makes sense that a partner who decides to terminate the marriage would experience more guilt, while the person who feels left would suffer from feelings of rejection. Notice the difference in their priorities. The dumper typically focuses on personal growth and will say things like “I have to find myself.” On the other hand, dumpees usually express a desire to work on the relationship and will say things like “Just tell me what you want me to change and I’ll work on it.”       

Although it’s not an exact science, we might expect about that roughly the same amount of people would identify themselves as the person who was left (dumpee) as the one who decided to leave (dumper). However, in a small percentage of divorces, people say their divorce was mutual. In these cases, it’s normal to feel both guilty and rejected at times.   

Guilt is a complex emotion, which probably explains why Dr. Fisher outlines two types. Appropriate guilt and free-floating guilt differ in their intensity and impact on a person’s life. Most people feel appropriate guilt when they believe they’ve done something wrong that hurts another person. Some parents feel guilty because their marriage was abusive and they didn’t take action sooner. Others may feel guilt or regret because their child may be struggling emotionally with post-divorce life. On the other hand, free-floating guilt usually exists from our childhood reservoir of unexpressed guilt feelings and it leaves us feeling anxious and fearful about many situations. Appropriate guilt can be worked through more easily than free-floating guilt. In my experience, both types of guilt can be resistant to change and can lead to depression if they aren’t dealt with. For many people, therapy is an essential tool to help process these difficult emotions.

Feelings of guilt or rejection are closely tied to feelings of self-worth and self-love. Part of the healing process after divorce is recognizing and accepting the way you feel about yourself inside affects the way you relate to people in the world. As you learn to accept and love yourself, your feelings of guilt and rejection will diminish.  When you’re connected to feelings of self-worth, you’ll have more energy to relate to others in meaningful ways.  

Here are five ways to deal with feelings of guilt and rejection about your divorce:

1. Accept the fact that it’s normal or typical to have these emotional reactions to the ending of a relationship. They’ve probably been there all along (in your marriage) and are simply intensified during and after the divorce process.

2. Get to the root of your feelings of guilt and/or rejection. Self-awareness is the first step in recovering from painful emotions. Examine whether you consider yourself a dumper or dumpee and the impact this has on your emotions.

3. Apologize to your ex or children if you behaved badly during or after your divorce. It’s never too late to make amends. A sincere apology can help you to forgive yourself and can promote healing for your children. Asking your ex for forgiveness, if you feel it’s warranted, can help mend the past and promote friendship post-divorce.

4. Acknowledge that all relationships end. Just because your relationship is over, it doesn’t mean you’re inadequate or inferior – or there’s something wrong with you. Give yourself a break.

5. Cultivate supportive relationships. Being with people who accept and support you can help ease feeling of guilt and rejection. Get energized by the possibilities ahead for you.

In closing, looking at how feelings of guilt or rejection may have impacted your behavior can facilitate healing. A parent whose marriage ended may experience guilt because they brought pain to their children. An apology can go a long way to promote forgiveness. Lastly, developing a mindset that you don’t have to be defined by your divorce experience is a crucial step to moving forward after divorce.  We’d love to hear your reactions to this blog and would appreciate your comments.

Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW

Bethenny’s recent appearance on the Ellen Show on January 8^th was yet another example of her ability to be candid and to wear her heart on her sleeve. Revealing to Ellen that she feels like a failure since her split with Jason Hoppy, she shed real tears saying “I feel like a disappointment to all of you, and I feel like a failure.”

While I’m far from a celebrity and I’m not going through a divorce, I can relate to Bethenny’s feeling of failure and her need for approval. For most of my life, I’ve been stuck in “The Approval Trap” and fearful of losing the approval of others. Although I’ve mostly recovered from this tendency, remnants of my former people pleasing self linger and tend to surface when I feel mistrustful. I sense that Bethenny may be too focused on seeking the approval of her fans. What I’ve learned in the last decade is that I’m not obligated to meet the needs of others. That’s their responsibility and only I know what’s best for me.

When I watched Ellen interviewing Bethenny, I became acutely aware of my own sense of failure when my marriage ended in 1995. To say that I identified with Bethenny is putting it mildly. I wanted to reach across the screen and huge her and tell her “It’s okay, you’ll be all right.”

Most of all, I want Bethenny to know that she’s not a failure because her marriage is ending. It takes two people to make a marriage work. Just because her marriage failed, it doesn’t mean she’s a failure. I also want her to know that being raised in a divorced family may make her own breakup that much harder to bear. Since divorce runs in my family, I know all too well the pain that divorce brings. Like many adults raised in a divided home, I desperately wanted my marriage to last and did not give up easily.

In her poignant book, The Love They Lost: Living with the Legacy of Our Parents’ Divorce, author Stephanie Staal identifies several relationship patterns among adult children of divorce. She coined the term “nester” to describe a person who eagerly enters into a committed relationship with high hopes of finding the love and security they didn’t receive as a child due to the breakup of their parents’ marriage.

Through my research and personal experience, I’ve learned that many daughters of divorce are nesters. Like Bethenny, many women raised in divorced homes strive for more permanency for themselves and their children. Consequently, experiencing divorce as an adult can be especially difficult for us as we strive to have a different kind of family. One with less heartache. One where our child will be spared the pain of divorce that we endured.

In closing, I admit that I took Bethenny’s recent announcement hard. Maybe it felt a little too close to home. Anyway, I feel a strong urge to announce to Bethenny and her fans that we’re not failures because our marriage didn’t work out. We don’t need others approval and we will be more than okay.

Believe in yourself, Bethenny, and work on self-acceptance. You are worthy of love and all that life has to offer. It’s crucial to remember that there is nothing wrong with you because your marriage ended. It simply wasn’t the right relationship for you. Your daughter, Bryn, will be fine too – if you continue to devote your love and attention to her well-being.

I’d love to read your comments or hear your divorce story. Write to me on the bottom of this blog or follow us on Facebook and Twitter.

 Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW