You feel that you are missing something or you have feelings for someone else. You annoy each other all the time, you argue for nothing, or you do not understand yourself at all. These are signs that you are going through a marital crisis. Your marriage problems seem to be spinning out of control.
Maybe the flame went out between you. Work, children, or other concerns always take up more time and mental space. Result: you have less and less time for each other.
If you want to fix it, it is important that you determine the essence of the problem. Here are some tips that will help you overcome this marital crisis.
- What is the problem?
When you want to solve a marital conflict, it is good to start by determining the substance. Many people do not know or have a vague idea of what is wrong with their relationship. Solving their marital crisis is all the more difficult. Start by trying to determine on your side what is wrong with your relationship. What is missing? When do disputes arise?
Difficult? In this case, you could help you apply the method described below:
Take a sheet of paper and describe your relationship as you see it now. Write down the negatives of your relationship on the left side of the sheet and the positives on the right side. Strive to list twice as many positives as negatives. Indeed, in most cases, we tend to focus on the negative points while it is important to see the relationship as a whole and determine what to work on, and on the contrary, what works.
- Talk about it
After determining what’s wrong and what you want to change, engage in conversation with your partner. Do not take a reproachful tone because it would lead to nothing, or an argument. A couple is composed of two people; it is up to you both to solve this marital crisis.
Tell your partner that you have thought about what you would like to change and ask him or her if he/she shares your opinion. You will probably hear your partner talking about completely different grievances, but you will find that he/she also joins you on a number of frustrations.
- What are your needs?
The success of a union depends on the satisfaction of the needs of the two people who form it. This is why it is important to discern the needs of the other. Sometimes, these needs are much less mysterious than you would have imagined.
Sometimes it’s as simple as a little compliment at the right time. If the behavior of your mate bothers you and you need something else, say so. It is very likely that your partner will appreciate your honesty, and it will encourage them to be more transparent. This will prevent misunderstandings. Needs need reflection and discussion.
- Emotional inaccessibility
Many people lock themselves into an emotional fortress that prevents them from truly getting closer to their friends or family. Of course, it’s a way to protect yourself and that is not uncommon. It is possible that this is your situation without you having never noticing it. It is important, however, that you avoid doing this to your partner.
In addition, some people wear a social mask; again, it is a protective measure that often does more harm than good. This can result in you feeling like strangers to each other even if you have been married for years. You do not know who the other is really, because you wear this mask both even when you are together.
If you want to get closer to your partner and solve the marital crisis that you are going through, you will have to restore mutual trust and open yourself to the other. This applies to both of you. Couples therapy can be of great help to facilitating this process.
- Do not live in the past
Many marriages are doomed because one of the partners carries the emotional baggage of past disappointments. Recognize that personal hindrance in the past may be the main reason why you or your partner can not fully expose each other.
This may be a lack of confidence due to a past event, and the person is delaying the current relationship; or else, this lack of trust is rooted in a deep fear of engagement or relationship failures prior to the current relationship. Try to solve these problems and help each other overcome them by being more sensitive and showing empathy toward each other.
Of course, the emotional baggage can also be born during the marriage. Perhaps one of you has deceived the other. In this case, the question is whether you want to preserve your marriage. If the answer is yes, it is important to be able to forgive each other to overcome this marital crisis together.
Tell yourself that you are both human and that humans sometimes make mistakes. Nevertheless, you can control one’s actions, and you can repair the mistakes you has made in many cases. Do not dwell on bad memories.
- Treat each other as you would like to be treated
Never see each other as an element of the decor. Never think that you can neglect your marriage without fearing anything negative will happen. Do not think that your marriage can go on without demonstrations of love. You would not like him or her to treat you like this. Do not act like that yourself. Your partner can not know that you love him or her if you do not tell them or show love through your actions.
You can show love through very little gestures, like calling him or her in the middle of the day just to say hello. To buy them a little something or take him or her to dinner at this restaurant where you have so many good memories. To go to an event that does not interest you so much, but that will make your partner crazy. It’s those little things that make life so special.
- Do not hide anything
People who have nothing to hide are open and honest. So make sure you have nothing to hide. Nobody is 100% open, but nothing prevents us from making an effort in this direction. So try to be an open book for your partner and make sure that he or she knows you thoroughly. Do not wait for the other. Nothing is more frustrating than a partner who says something but thinks the opposite. Be honest with each other; you will have already traveled halfway.
- Do not try to always be right
You do not need to constantly prove to your partner that you are one step ahead of him/her. Try to understand and put yourself in your partner’s shoes instead. You will make a much more pleasant companion if you decide to be happy now rather than wanting to be right not only for your partner but for all those around you. In addition, you will be better able to have a conversation without it turning into a fight.
If your partner acts in this way, discuss the subject with him or her. Tell him that it bothers you never to be taken seriously and that he/she never agrees with you, no matter what you think. But do not make a match between you. It does not matter who’s right: the important thing is to respect each other.
- If the effort does not come from both sides
Show your partner his or her fears and resistance but also let him understand that you will go much further if you work together. If your partner realizes that he/she is not gaining anything to scare himself, he/she will automatically stop doing so. Show that you want to do everything to save your marriage and that you are actively working to overcome this marital crisis. Be careful not to act like a know-it-all but to communicate your kindness.
- Make sacrifices
Like any friendship or relationship, a marriage requires sacrifices. Marriage is the union of two different people. Sometimes children also add to the equation, and living together under one roof is not always easy. Do not be unrealistic to the point of thinking that you are simply not made for each other at the slightest disagreement.
Do not go astray in connected divorce motions of the type: “we have taken different paths” or “we are slowly moving away from each other.” A marriage requires everyone to take responsibility. Take yours.
To Summarize:
You can probably solve this marital crisis and save your marriage if you are both willing. Recognize the problems you face and face them. And above all: do it together. If needed, seek help from a licensed couples therapist. You can solve this marital conflict. You just have to find yourself. That is possible. You have fallen in love with each other, and what has united you has not disappeared. It’s just a question of rediscovering it.
The author, Luisa Hilburn knows a thing or two about men and the dating scene. Much of my writing is inspired by my encounters with men – and for good reason, I gets myself into some hilarious situations – like that time I went on a date with a guy who took me to a cow farm. If you need to find me, I am usually on a date or standing in the chocolate isle debating whether or not to give into temptation, also I am a writer and co-owner of How2bond.com.
