By Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW

In a recent article for The Gottman Institute’s website, couples therapist Kyle Benson tackles an all-too-common source of conflict for couples. The article, “Head vs. Heart: Solving Meta-Emotion Mismatches for a Stronger Bond,” unpacks the rocky road that partners often travel when they approach an emotional situation from two different perspectives.

For instance, Carolyn, 42, and Sam, 45, married ten years and raising two young children, often have arguments that escalate due to not having ways to express empathy and validate each other’s perspective during conflict. As Carolyn explains a recent situation at her office, she feels uncared for and believes that Sam and isn’t on her side and is being critical of her work performance.

Carolyn puts it like this, “My supervisor stormed into my office and berated me for putting too much over time on my time sheet and never gave me a chance to explain. She was the one that told me I could come into work earlier and work late during tax season, but when I did, I got reprimanded.”

Sam responds, “You should have known to double check this one. You’re new at your job and your boss is an accountant who pinches pennies. You always come home in a bad mood and need to develop a tougher skin.”

Carolyn reacts, “I’m not always in a bad mood and you don’t double check everything. How about the time you paid the wrong amount on our oil bill. I don’t think you get me and I can’t take your arrogance any longer.”

Sam responds, “I’m just trying to help you do better at work. It seems like I can’t do anything right and now you’re threatening to leave. I’m a good husband and I don’t know how to make you happy because you’re never satisfied with what I say or do.”

It’s easy to see how Sam’s response to Carolyn’s heightened negative emotions escalated the tension in their conversation. Clearly, Sam was unable to show her understanding and validate her perspective and it triggered Carolyn to feel unloved. On the other hand, if Sam would have expressed empathy and validated Carolyn’s negative emotions, it might have helped to deescalate her frustration and anger about her supervisor’s critical comments. If Sam had used a different approach when Carolyn was venting about her bad day and criticism from her boss, it’s likely that she would have felt supported and the conflict might not have escalated.

For instance, Sam could say “I’m sorry to hear this happened to you at your new job. You must have felt blindsided when your supervisor reprimanded you when you thought you were doing that right thing with your overtime hours. Do you want to talk about what your next step will be when you return to work Monday?” This type of response shows empathy, is nonblameful, and could elicit a calmer, low-conflict reaction from Carolyn because she would most likely feel listened to and supported.

Even though both partners may have the best intentions and may be trying to relate on a deep level, differing styles of communication and a disconnect around what will serve one another’s needs prevents a productive dialogue. The unintended rifts lead to acrimony, and a situation can quickly develop to the point where repairing the original upset is prevented because of a new conflict.

Benson writes that Meta-Emotion Mismatch is “core marital problem” that grows out of a misalignment and is particularly pronounced in heterosexual couples. In fact, “Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman found that ‘the [meta-emotional] mismatch alone predicted divorce or stability in the next four years with 80% accuracy.’” Their research suggests that “a prevalent source of conflict is the emotional dismissiveness of husbands towards their wives’ negative emotions, leading to feelings of abandonment and emotional neglect.”

But to understand how to prevent or solve active Meta-Emotion Mismatches, Benson breaks down how the Gottman’s define Meta-Emotions, writing that they’re essentially how “we feel about feelings.” It’s a complicated emotional landscape, and “it encompasses our emotional reactions to our own emotions and those of others, including whether we accept or dismiss them, how we interpret them, and how we respond to them.”

At its core, this is a “head vs. heart problem.” In other words, one partner (often the female) is approaching negative circumstances from an emotional place, while the other (often the male) is approaching it from a logical perspective, where action can lead to resolution. Ultimately, “this dynamic leads to both partners feeling misunderstood, escalating conflict. The partner seeking emotional attunement feels emotionally dismissed, whereas the partner favoring a more logical approach feels their intentions are misconstrued.”

Solving this common trap and fostering emotional attunement in a relationship begins with “acknowledging that both approaches… are valid… however, their effectiveness depends on proper timing.” One of the key components to address this issue is couples engaging in so-called “State of the Union meetings.” The goal of these meetings is to first establish an understanding of each other’s perspective to give the subsequent conversation a grounding. What hopefully follows is an attunement that “can transform conflict into a calm and connective experience for both partners.”

Benson further goes on to advise that couples “create a shared emotional culture” in their relationship, which is to say that maintaining an understanding of each other’s good intentions will go a long way toward heading off escalating conflict.

In addition, Benson notes that “addressing meta-emotion mismatches can also be achieved by engaging in discussions about each partner’s emotional experiences in childhood, including how they were comforted, and their parents ’reactions to their emotions such as anger, sadness, joy, fear, love.” Indeed, many of our emotional responses are conditioned from childhood, and gainng a greater perspective and empathy around where our partner comes from will help us understand how they feel and what they need.

By committing to a shared practice around these concepts, couples can experience a “shift from conflict to connection,” which “demonstrates the power of understanding and addressing meta-emotion mismatches.” In the end, the awareness and empathy that is fostered by truly listening and understanding the nature of divergent emotional needs can help partners “navigate challenges more effectively, laying a foundation for a resilient, connected, and respectful partnership.

Find Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award-winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Her new book The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around was published by Sounds True on February 18, 2020.

**Terry offers coaching to individuals and couples about divorce, marriage, remarriage, or relationship issues. She is also an expert on matters related to children of divorce and the challenges facing adult children of divorce. You can sign up for low-cost coaching here. In most cases you will be able to meet with her within a week.