It’s the most wonderful time of the year! But for those dealing with a difficult co-parent, it can be easy to have a stocking-half-empty outlook on the holiday season. Below are a few tips that may benefit those navigating the holidays while sharing custody.
Make your list, and check it twice! Generally, custody orders or agreements spell out the time children will spend with each parent during the holidays. It may sound like a no-brainer, but parents should refamiliarize themselves with that schedule early each year well before the weather gets chilly – the last thing you want is to realize while packing for grandma’s house is that you need to change plans to comply with a court order. Reviewing your schedule in advance gives you the opportunity to plan travels and celebrations with certainty. It also gives you the opportunity to ask to swap days or weekends with plenty of notice and before conflicts arise. Worst case scenario, planning ahead can help address major disagreements as it is much easier to get court or a mediator assistance to enforce or change a custody order in June than in December.
It’s the holiday season. As a divorce attorney, one thing that I have learned is that we are celebrating holidays, not holi-dates. If you ask a child to tell you their favorite part of Christmas, I can bet the calendar stating that it’s December 25th will never surpass cookies, time with family, gifts, music, and fun traditions. While it may be easy to focus on your co-parent “getting” the holiday you want this year, keep the magic alive for your kids and your celebration will be just as special a few days later.
Communicating with a co-parent in writing is best. Just like your kids preparing their wish lists, make sure that communication with your co-parent is memorialized with a text message or email. That way, plans for gift-giving and celebrations are clear and easily referenced. Getting technology involved and using a shared calendar (my family uses Google calendars for everything) can help prevent scheduling snafus. Keep your communications factual, friendly, and succinct, remembering that Santa – or in this case, potentially a judge – sees everything!
It’s also okay to be independent, together! While everyone seems to focus on “co-parenting,” parallel parenting, wherein parents avoid conflict by minimally communicating with one another, might be a more realistic option. When Rudolph high tails it out of Christmastown in the Rankin & Bass stop-motion version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, he runs into Hermey the Elf who says, “Let’s be independent, together!” It turns out, that’s great advice. Having a special, healthy relationship with your children independent of your ex, might be easier without a bunch of superfluous communication. Work together with your ex as much as possible, but keep the communication minimal when it only stirs up trouble.
Remember to give, as well as receive. It is inevitable that each parent will need a favor from the other at some point during the holidays. While it is easy to want to be “tit for tat” and refuse to accommodate your former partner’s requests for custody changes, remember to take a breath and focus on what is best for your children, not just you. It is probably overly optimistic to assume that any flexibility offered will always be reciprocated, but remember that accommodating swaps here and there is not just giving a gift to your ex; your generosity is giving a gift to your children who might otherwise miss out on a special opportunity or celebration.
Make new traditions. While you may have always had a specific holiday routine as a family, post-separation celebrations are inevitably going to look and feel different. Embrace that change and make some new traditions with your children. Making crafts, baking treats, wrapping gifts, attending festivals and events, and volunteering are all great opportunities to spend quality time together as your new family unit and form lasting memories for years to come.
If it’s broke, DO fix it! Your custody schedule might have been perfect when your children were in elementary school; however, as time passes and circumstances change, it may be necessary to tweak or overhaul your custody order. Generally, if your co-parent does not agree to modify the agreement or order, you will have to prove to the court what has changed, how that change has impacted the children, and how your proposed change is in their best interests going forward. You may be required to attend mediation or arbitration prior to, or in lieu of, going to court to address those issues. As issues pop up, make sure to journal your concerns and speak with an attorney to address your goals and realistic outcomes. Just like familiarizing yourself with your schedule, this is something you should do well in advance of the holidays you celebrate, as court backlogs and mediators’ schedules are often major impediments to reaching resolution.
Treat yourself. While it is very easy to focus on our children during the holiday season, take care of yourself and make sure to prioritize some “you” time in between all the celebrations. There are sixty-three days between Halloween and New Year’s Day – that’s a lot of time to non-stop sport your party pants! Sleeping well, meditating, and reflecting on all there is to be thankful for will help you stay refreshed and energized while keeping away any Grinch-y tendencies.
Written by Sarah E. Bennett, principal and managing attorney, Sodoma Law
