By Terry Gaspard, LICSW

Ashley, thirty-seven, sat on the coach at my office and described the challenges in her relationship with her husband Kevin, age thirty-nine. They’ve been married for ten years and have two daughters, ages four and six.

Ashley puts it like this, “Kevin isn’t just selfish, he’s extremely self-centered and his world revolves around his needs and desires. He’s also arrogant and argumentative when I try to challenge his thinking or decisions. For instance, he just bought a new car without discussing it with me even though we’ve been strapped for money lately.”

Ashley continues, “Kevin said that he forgot to talk to me before he signed the papers on the new car and that he deserved a nice vehicle since he works hard. He got super defensive and this ended our conversation.”

During our next session, Ashley told me that she believed Kevin was a narcissist (but wasn’t sure) and that she needed some help to cope with his behaviors since she didn’t want to ask him for a divorce. As a result of her uncertainty, I outlined several characteristics of a narcissist.

Five Ways to Recognize a Person Who is a Narcissist:

1. When you express your needs, he or she will get defensive because they put their own needs first. They generally don’t care about your wishes and they rarely take responsibility for their behavior or apologize.
2. If you feel hurt or disappointed in them, they feel rage rather than empathy. Once again, they will get defensive and deflect responsibility for any hurtful things they’ve done or said onto you. He or she might say something like “If you didn’t ask me to do so much, I would have remembered to pay my car payment, so it’s your fault, not mine.”
3. The narcissist runs hot and cold. One day they might compliment you for making a nice meal, and the next day criticize you and call you a horrible cook.
4. There are often inconsistencies between his or her words and actions. Pay more attention to what they do versus what they say. They can be very charming and promise the moon, but they don’t follow through on their actions.
5. A person who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (or narcissistic traits) often can’t handle the pressure of intimacy and emotional issues that surface in a relationship with their partner and children. They can be cold, distant, and lacking in empathy for their partner.

Since Ashley told me that Kevin went through phases and that he sometimes showed caring and love to her and their two children, I explained the difference between Narcissistic Personality Disorder and someone who exhibits narcissistic traits.

First, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) exists on a continuum from mild to severe. Keep in mind that narcissism ranges from self-centeredness to full-blown NPD. The following is a summary from the DSM-5 (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manuel of Mental Disorders used to diagnose people with psychological disorders).

Narcissistic Personality Disorder – A pervasive preoccupation with admiration, entitlement, and egotism. Individuals with this personality exaggerate their accomplishments/talents, have a sense of entitlement, lack empathy or concern for others, are preoccupied with envy and jealousy, and have an arrogant attitude. Their sense of entitlement and inflated self-esteem are unrelated to real talent or accomplishments. They feel entitled to special attention, privileges, and consideration in social settings. This sense of entitlement also produces a feeling that they are entitled to punish those who do not provide their required respect, admiration, or attention.

Further, I explained to Ashley that to make a decision about the future of her marriage, I highly recommend that she take a close look at her needs and prioritize them.  While it’s impossible for a partner to meet all of your needs, certainly basic needs, such as safety and security, should be satisfied.

Then I advised that Ashley assess the degree of Kevin’s  narcissism and whether it is what author Wendy Behary LCSW refers to as “perilous narcissism.” In her acclaimed book Disarming the Narcissist  Behary describes this type of narcissist as unremorseful and devoid of a moral compass – as having a complete disregard and contempt for others. She writes, “There are certain circumstances where an intimate relationship with a narcissist isn’t worth fighting for, even if you have the leverage. The narcissist may even be a threat to your (and your children’s) security, safety, and stability.”

According to Behary, safety should be your first and foremost priority when dealing with a “perilous narcissist” – especially if their threats are increasing and they are violent or explosive. If Kevin is perpetually verbally or emotionally abusive and becomes more callous or menacing, you may have to decide to put the safety of yourself and your children first and come up with an exit strategy.

Five Tips to Help Preserve Your Relationship with a Person Who Has NPD or Narcissist Traits:

1. Don’t let your partner off the hook. Hold them accountable for their actions while showing empathy. For example, if he or she forgets to tell you about a big purchase, say something like, “I understand you want to have more control over finances. However, when either one of us buys something expensive, we need to discuss it since it affects our family’s well-being.”
2. Communication is Key. I also suggest that partners use a softened start up by stating how they feel, why they feel the way they do, and what they need. This is a technique developed by Dr.’s John and Julie Gottman, in their book, The Love Prescription, to promote better communication.
3. Minimize defensiveness. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and to prevent your partner’s defensiveness. For instance, if you feel upset about your perception that they’re not listening to you when you’re trying discuss something important, say something like, “I feel hurt that I’m trying to talk to you and it seems like you are tuning me out. I would appreciate it if we could talk for a while and you could turn toward me rather than be distracted by your phone.”
4. Encourage your partner to get counseling, hopefully with someone who has experience with NPD. A diagnosis of NPD should be given by a licensed mental health professional. Also, make an appointment with a couples therapist. This expert can help you set expectations and goals as a couple. Most couples therapists will meet with both people individually during the second or third session so that you can express your concerns about your partner having NPD or narcissistic traits.

During our therapy sessions, I encouraged Ashley to continue to set boundaries with Kevin. I asked her to examine her own communication patterns and to try to use positive “I” statements so that Kevin might be less defensive. Further, I mentioned that she can’t “fix” Kevin and often people who have trouble setting boundaries in relationships have co-dependency, a tendency to prioritize others over themselves and lose their independence. They judge and second-guess themselves all the time due to feelings of shame and low-self-esteem. As a result, Ashley recognized many of her co-dependent behaviors and began to work on them in therapy.

If you decide to stay in a marriage or a relationship with someone who has NPD or narcissistic traits, it’s crucial that you balance the resources and stressors inherent in living with someone who is a narcissist. Ask yourself, is your emotional life is being extremely neglected because of your partners self-centeredness, and are they willing to work on your relationship? Further, if you are raising children, like Ashley, keep a close eye on how your partner’s behavior is impacting their physical and emotional well-being.

Terry’s award-winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on this website. Her new book The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around was published by Sounds True in 2020 and is the winner of American Book Fest’s 2020 Best Book Award in Self-Help Relationships.