By Terry Gaspard, LICSW

Couples argue. This is a given. And yet some parents escalate to destructive levels of conflict that can be damaging to their kids. In a perfect world parents wouldn’t disagree in front of their children. But in the real world it happens every day. Probably the most important question is whether kids suffer from exposure to their parents arguments. How problematic is it for children to observe their parents experiencing high conflict in front of them?

First, it’s essential to discuss the fact that there’s a big difference between parental bickering in a healthy relationship and a full-blown argument that escalates and may lead to ongoing tension between parents. Many experts, such as John Gottman PhD posit that it’s normal for a couple to experience conflict and express negative emotions. That said, his research shows that children can actually benefit from observing their parents making repair attempts and getting back on track from minor disputes or bickering.

Dr. Gottman writes: “Conflict is a natural (and healthy) part of any intimate relationship. Dr. John Gottman’s research on this subject may come as a welcome relief. In fact, he discovered that as children grow up, their ability to cope with emotions is strengthened not by conflict avoidance between their parents, but rather by the example that their parents set in their healthy acknowledgment of negative emotions.

While this makes perfect sense, what about the impact of parental conflict on kids when repair attempts are not make or they’re unsuccessful? For instance, Caitlyn and Justin both agree that their arguments often escalate to high conflict (yelling, threats, and put downs), and the home environment for their two daughters, ages seven and nine, is tense and hostile at times.

When Caitlyn 42, and Justin, 44, sat on my couch for couples therapy, they discussed the differences they have in parenting styles and the both agreed that it’s a main source of conflict between them. Their arguments often erupted over text messages and their children were also exposed to heated in-person disputes.

Further, many disagreements arose with Caitlyn and Justin due to the differences in their upbringing. In fact, Caitlyn was raised in a divorced family and spent most of her childhood with her mother who worked a lot and was fairly permissive when she was home. Rick, on the other hand, was raised in a military home where his dad was strict and his mother tried hard to carry out rigid rules and expectations when his father was deployed.

During our couples therapy sessions, I explained four styles of parenting to Caitlyn and Justin in order to increase their awareness and empathy toward each other and their children.

Understanding Parenting Styles

According to psychologist Diana Baumrind, there are four main parenting styles. Gaining awareness and insight about them can help couples navigate the challenges.

1. The authoritative parent (the “tender teacher”) is both warm and kind and sets reasonable limits. They’re high in responsiveness, communicate well, and have consistent expectations. Their kids tend to be emotionally competent and have high self-esteem.
2. The authoritarian parent (the “rigid ruler”) is firm but offers little support. Their style of discipline is delivered with too much force and they demand obedience without explaining their rules. Their children tend to be obedient but score lower in emotional well-being and self-esteem.
3. The permissive parent is warm and caring but lacks firmness. They ‘re lenient and have trouble setting limits. They often don’t provide sufficient monitoring or supervision. Their children tend to have trouble with self-regulation, are low in emotional competence, and have trouble respecting authority.
4. The uninvolved parent is neither warm or caring. This parent might be physically present but emotionally absent. This style of parenting can lead to the most negative consequences for children, including neglect, social and emotional incompetence with peers, and low self-esteem.

Once Caitlyn and Justin were able to identify their parenting styles and reflect on them, they were able to take ownership and set some realistic parenting goals. First, they agreed not to criticize each other in front of their children and to present a united front whenever possible.

Ellie Lisitsa of the Gottman Institute writes: “The efforts that you make to work through inevitable differences with your partner in a loving and accepting way will strengthen your relationship with your child. In the most formative years of your children’s lives, exposing them to emotionally intelligent styles of conflict resolution is scientifically proven to do wonders for their future success. Once formed, the research shows that that the habits your children pick up from you really stick.”

5 Ways to Handle Differences in Parenting Styles

1. Discuss parenting styles with your partner: have regular open talks about your approaches to discipline and consequences for kid’s misbehaviors. While you don’t have similar styles, attempt to find common ground, and strive to reach compromises in crucial areas such as routines, bedtimes, screen time, and chores.
2. Set clear rules and discuss expectations with your children: these are for behavior and homework, etc. Explain the rules and reasons for them. Be responsive to your children’s questions. Also, hold regular family meetings where you discuss what’s going well and what family members need to work on, such as respect and tolerance.
3. Establish communication guidelines with your partner – both in your home and when you venture out in the community. This includes text, phone calls, and in-person conversations.
4. Respect both of you parenting styles. You may disagree with some of your partner’s decisions, but strive to find areas of agreement and manage conflict respectfully.
5. To build a strong family unit. It’s important to cooperate and compromise with each other. For instance, if your partner prefers stricter bedtime rules, such a lights out by 9pm on school nights, and you have a more lenient bedtime of 10pm, compromise at 9:30pm.

According to Lisitsa, Dr. John Gottman’s research on the effects of healthy parenting has shown that an awareness of your own emotions and those of your children dramatically strengthens your connection as a couple too. Feelings of companionship, affection, fondness, admiration, and general happiness about their marriages were shown to increase for couples who taught their children to work out areas of conflict in a healthy way. These couples also showed less of a tendency to treat each other with belligerence, contempt, stonewalling, and other chaos-inducing behaviors.

Keep in mind that children who have parents who demonstrate low-conflict discussions about finances, discipline, chores, and daily events, present their kids with healthy role models for listening skills, understanding other’s perspective, and empathy. Children deserve a home environment that’s warm, nurturing, and safe. When parents are too critical, sarcastic, or blame each other for their problems, their children often internalize negative feelings and blame themselves – leading to low self-confidence and anxiety.

Finally, be honest with your children when things a tense and you are having a disagreement. It’s a good idea to show them healthy ways to repair from disputes when they arise. It’s also important for kids to see that it’s possible to love and respect someone, have a disagreement, and then move on from conflict.

Terry’s award-winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on this website. Her new book The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around was published by Sounds True in 2020 and is the winner of American Book Fest’s 2020 Best Book Award in Self-Help Relationships.

Gottman, J. M., & DeClaire, J. (1997). The heart of parenting: How to raise an emotionally intelligent child. Simon & Schuster.