By Terry Gaspard, LICSW
What can you do to rescue your marriage when it’s on the brink of divorce? While this is a complex question that doesn’t lend itself to a quick answer, there are aspects of successful and lasting relationships that can help you get back on track.
The good news is that if you and your partner are willing to put effort into saving your marriage, there are things you can do – positive strategies – that can give you a fresh start and strengthen your marriage.
Is your relationship with your partner distant, unhappy, or lacking in passion? Rest assured – it’s common for couples who have been married or committed to each other for a while and have busy lives, to drift apart emotionally and sexually. The good news is that if you’ve lost the intense spark you once had, you can rediscover your emotional and sexual connection.
A typical example is Ben and Macy, both in their mid-thirties and married for twelve years. “I’ve been miserable for some time,” complains Macy. “I don’t feel close to Ben anymore, we’ve drifted apart and rarely spend time together or have sex.” Ben responds: “Macy just doesn’t appreciate me and I often feel criticized by her. Maybe splitting up is the best option.” Unfortunately, the common theme in their remarks is focusing on their partner’s flaws rather than ways they can repair the relationship.
Relationship expert Dr. Harriet Lerner explains that the recipe for failure in a marriage is waiting for the other person to change. Rather than giving up on their marriage, couples need to lean toward each other and someone needs to initiate warming things up. While it’s natural to want to throw in the towel when our partner becomes distant, reacting in kind furthers the divide between you.
Instead, Dr. Learner recommends that you take responsibility for warming things up and increase positive reinforcement. This can be done by saying things like “You’re so thoughtful to clean the kitchen” which highlights their positive qualities and things you admire about them.
Practicing what Dr. John Gottman calls emotional attunement while relaxing together can help you stay connected in spite of your differences. This means “turning toward” one another and showing empathy rather than “turning away.” Dr. Gottman recommends a five-to -one ratio of interactions – meaning for every negative interaction, you need five positive ones.
The good news is that long-term love can mimic new love if we pay attention and nurture love and passion in our relationship. In fact, recent neurological research published online in the journal Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience demonstrates that romantic long-term love activates the dopamine-rich brain regions in a remarkably similar way to the neural activities of individual newly in love. This research shows us that romantic love can be sustained in long-term marriages if passion is kept alive.
Scientists have found that oxytocin (a bonding hormone) is released during the initial stage of infatuation – which causes couples to feel euphoric and turned on by physical affection – such as touching and holding hands. Oxytocin works like a drug, giving us immediate rewards and binding us to our lover. It makes sense that physical affection can help a couple rekindle love and a more passionate connection.
According to marriage and divorce expert, Cathy Meyer, a lack of passion in a marriage is a sign that your marriage is in serious trouble. She writes, “Whether it is him or you that has lost interest, a lack of regular intimacy in a marriage is a bad sign. Sex is the glue that binds, it is the way us adults play and enjoy each other. It is either time to spice things up in the bedroom or take a serious look at why one or the other has lost interest in the sexual aspect of the relationship.
In fact, a lack of sexual passion is the most common problem that brings couples to therapists, according to Marianne Brandon author of Unlocking the Sexy in Surrender. Fortunately, couples can keep love and passion alive by practicing the following suggestions.
Here are 8 things to try before giving up on your marriage based on the work of Dr. John Gottman:
- Complain, don’t criticize your partner. Have you developed a habit of criticizing your partner? Talking about specific issues will reap better results than attacking your partner. For instance, a complaint is: “I feel frustrated that I’m doing most of our chores. We agreed that you’d clean the bathrooms.” Versus a criticism: “You never do chores, you’re so lazy.”
- Avoid showing contempt for your partner (rolling your eyes, ridicule, name-calling, sarcasm, etc.) by using a softened start up. Dr. John Gottman explains that if we say how we feel, why we feel this way, and what we’d like to see happen, this will lessen our partners defensiveness.
- Take responsibility for your part in the conflict. Rather than spending time analyzing your mate, focus on ho you can communicate more effectively. In most cases, this shift in mindset will change the dynamics and lessen your partner’s defensiveness because they won’t feel attacked.
- Repair from arguments quickly. Don’t put bury negative feelings that can lead to resentment. Take a risk and discuss upset feelings when they arise without blame. Experiencing conflict is inevitable and couples who strive to avoid it are at risk of developing stagnant relationships.
- Avoid showing contempt for your partner (rolling your eyes, ridicule, name-calling, sarcasm, etc.) by using a softened start up. Dr. John Gottman explains that if we say how we feel, why we feel this way, and what we’d like to see happen, this will lessen our partners defensiveness.
- Increase physical affection. Physical contact releases feel good hormones. Holding hands, hugging, and touching can release oxytocin (the bonding hormone) that reduces pain and causes a calming sensation. Physical affection also reduces stress hormones – lowering daily levels of the stress hormone cortisol. Even if you’re not a touchy-feely person, increasing physical affection can help you to sustain a deep, meaningful bond.
- Nurture admiration and compliment your partner: Remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities – and express your positive feelings out loud several times each day. When you feel like criticizing them, remember what drew you to them to begin with..
- Develop rituals of connection. Try a variety of activities that bring you both pleasure. Spend at least three to four hours a week together. Have fun courting your partner and practice flirting with him or her. Don’t forget to cuddle on the couch and surprise your partner with a kiss. Some fun things to do include going for a walk or hike, enjoying a picnic, or going to the gym together.
It’s understandable that you might feel lonely, disappointed, or rejected if you perceive that your partner is disconnected and turning away from you often. Instead of focusing on their flaws try to improve your life by self-soothing (massage, walks, etc.) and examine your responses to him or her.
When one or both partners shuts down or becomes critical, issues often get swept under the rug and are never resolved – leaving the partner who feels hurt even more resentful. So when you feel that your relationship is on the rocks, adopt a resilient mindset and work on ways you can repair your hurt feelings and get back on track.
In closing, be sure to pay close attention the next time you are feeling hurt, angry, or abandoned by your partner and examine the part you play. Taking responsibility for warming things up in your marriage can ignite change if your partner is receptive. Just because your relationship is going through a dry spell, it doesn’t have to mean you are headed for divorce court.
Terry’s award-winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on this website. Her new book The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around was published by Sounds True in 2020 and is the winner of American Book Fest’s 2020 Best Book Award in Self-Help Relationships.
