By Terry Gaspard, LICSW

Jenna, 35, sat on the couch in my office and lamented about her toxic relationship with Trevor, 36, her boyfriend for over five years. She described his treatment as condescending and critical, the top two signs of an unhealthy relationship that can lead to a breakup, according to Dr. John Gottman.

According to Kendra Han, “in a toxic relationship, the communication between partners is characterized by what Dr. John Gottman calls the ‘Four Horsemen’. These are communication patterns that involve contempt, stonewalling, defensiveness and criticism. While it is normal to have some of these present in almost all relationships, contempt is by far the most toxic communication pattern.”

In his forty years of research in his Love Lab, Dr. Gottman discovered that contempt directed toward a partner is criticism from a place of superiority. It is not only putting someone down but also putting down their entire character and way of being. Underlying contempt is a negative state of mind where the contemptuous person constantly scans the environment looking for their partner’s mistakes rather than what is positive.

During my counseling sessions Jenna, she described Trevor’s frequent put downs as hurtful and making her feel unworthy, especially when he did so in front of their friends. However, for the first few years of their relationship, she made excuses for him when her friends and family pointed out that his contemptuous behavior was toxic and they encouraged her to leave him.

After working with Jenna for six months in therapy, she broke up with Trevor. As she gained insight into the harmful nature of his controlling and hurtful behaviors, she came to the awareness that she deserved a healthy relationship and that Trevor had no intention of changing his behavior.

We also discussed the likelihood that Jenna had codependency tendencies which means that she tended to put others needs before her own. I explained that codependency is a way of behaving in a relationship where you prioritize others over yourself and lose a sense of independence.

Jenna puts it like this, “I think I inherited my codependency from my mother who stayed married to my dad in spite of his constant criticisms. She made excuses for him and I don’t believe she felt she deserved to be loved. She bent over backwards for my dad and often neglected her own needs. Eventually she stopped spending time with her friends and her sisters, and she became depressed.

During our last session, Jenna asked about the risk factors for a toxic relationship because she wanted to avoid entering into another one after her breakup with Trevor. We also discussed ways that she could improve her self-esteem, such as returning to college to become a registered nurse (after working as an LPN for many years). This was a goal that she abandoned after meeting Trevor because he convinced her that it was a waste of time.

Risk Factors of a Toxic Relationship

Are you at risk for entering into or staying in a toxic relationship? Some people engage in unhealthy relationships and they aren’t aware of it. You may be at risk for a destructive relationship if you become so absorbed in your partner’s problems you don’t often have time to identify, or solve, your own. Or, you care so deeply about your partner that you’ve lost track of your own needs.

Taking this self-assessment (based on Jill Weber’s check-list and my thoughts) will help you determine if you’re at risk for a one-sided, unhealthy, or toxic relationship. The more items you check, the more at risk you are.

1. Are you super empathetic and easily feel others suffering?
2. Do your friends often turn to you for emotional support but you often feel that no one is there for you when you have a problem?
3. Are you attracted to partners who get very upset when you don’t follow their advice?
4. Do you often find your partners try to keep you from spending time with your friends or family? If your answer is yes, your partner might exhibit controlling behaviors that are signs of an unhealthy relationship.
5. Do you judge yourself harshly when you make a mistake?
6. Looking back, is it hard to remember one or both of your parents comforting you when you were upset?
7. Did you often find yourself in the caretaker role with one or both of your parents or a sibling when you were growing up?
8. Do your partners tend to express jealousy and exhibit behaviors such as tracking you on their phone or questioning your activities or friendships?
9. Are you a people pleaser? If you have this tendency, you may find setting boundaries in relationships hard and you might have trouble asking for what you need from your partner. This is a pattern that often starts in childhood but it can be reversed.
10. Do you feel like you have to be in a good mood or positive when you are with intimate partners regardless of how you really feel?

The following list can help you to more clearly define qualities of a healthy relationship – one that is characterized by admiration and mutual respect.

Here are eight signs that your relationship is emotionally healthy:

1. You are comfortable being your authentic self. In other words, you feel that you can be yourself and don’t have to walk on eggshells. You feel safe in the relationship and free to express your thoughts, feelings, and desires openly without fear of rejection.
2. There’s admiration and mutual respect. You accept, admire, and respect each other for who you are.  You avoid blaming each other when you have a disagreement and look for ways to have better communication – listening to each other’s perspective and owning your part in the conflict.
3. Your partner is trustworthy.  He or she follows through on their promises unless there is something urgent going on. He/she takes you out when they say they’re going to do so. When someone is interested in you, they’ll keep their agreements and apologize when they’re unable to do so.
4.  Your partner makes you a priority because he or she values your relationship. This includes regular text messages or phone calls to show that he/she is thinking of you.
5. Your partner is your cheerleader. He or she listens more than they speak. Your partner asks you questions about your hobbies, friends, and family. He or she makes space for your feelings and doesn’t make you feel badly for being in a bad mood or having a tough day.
6. Your partner makes plans to do things with you and includes you in his inner circle. If something special is going on in his or her life, they invite you and encourage you to join them.
7. You feel good about yourself when you’re with your partner. He or she values you and gives you positive reinforcement such as compliments and support.
8. Your partner talks about your future together. If he or she says that they aren’t ready for a commitment, take them seriously – they’re just not that into you.  Don’t waste your time on a relationship that doesn’t have a future.

It’s crucial that you begin visualizing yourself in a healthy relationship before you can embark on one and leave a toxic partner. Consider creating a vision board where you post quotes, messages, and photos of the type of person or relationship that you aspire to have. Check it on a regular basis and see if your prospects match up to the type of person who is a good fit for you. You don’t have to settle for less than you deserve.

Letting go of toxic relationships is never easy. Yet with self-awareness and tools, you can begin to value yourself enough to set better boundaries with a partner, and even leave a toxic one. It’s possible to end a romantic relationship that is self-defeating, abusive, or self-destructive. If you choose to stay in a toxic relationship, seeking counseling from a licensed mental health professional can help you to gain insight, improve your self-esteem, and to believe you are worthy of a relationship based on love and respect.

Terry’s award-winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on this website. Her new book The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around was published by Sounds True in 2020 and is the winner of American Book Fest’s 2020 Best Book Award in Self-Help Relationships.