By Terry Gaspard, LICSW

In the beginning of their relationship, Kate, 42, and Evan, 44, were so elated to have discovered each other that they focused more on their similarities than differences. They fell wildly in love, got married quickly, and never discussed their family backgrounds, beliefs about core issues such as finances, or ways to handle conflict.

When Kate and Evan began looking for a home, their arguments escalated because Evan was more conservative about finances. Kate’s desire for a home in a neighborhood where their two children could play safely and be in a good school district came with a higher price tag than homes in other areas. However, Evan was uncomfortable borrowing additional money (than they had budgeted) because he was focused on saving for retirement and living within a frugal budget.

After a while, emotional baggage from past relationships was causing both of them to overreact to triggers (such as Kate loaning her brother money) and they started becoming more critical and defensive with each other. Kate and Evan lost sight of the loving feelings that brought them together in the first place.

Kate puts it like this, “We tend to get irrational and dig our heels in when we fight – like we’re kids. When Evan says, “You’re always right Kate, you know you’re always right, this makes me rage even more and I feel like getting back at him.”

Evan explains, “Usually one of us will say “I love you and I want to make up. But we’re not always able to do this. I used to think arguing was a bad thing but I’m learning to fight fair. I hope this will help us have better ways to communicate during conflicts and to stop keeping score.”

Why Do Couples Fight?

One of the main reasons why couples argue is that one or both partners become deeply entrenched in believing they’re right. As a result, it’s essential to make sure they feel heard by each other and that they respond in a way that seems “acceptable” to both of them.

 Another reason why couples argue is because of emotional baggage or unfinished business (from their past) that can easily lead to hurt feelings and power struggles. During our couples therapy sessions, Evan identified that he was raised by a single parent who often complained that money was tight. This upbringing caused him to be frugal and vigilant about spending. On the other hand, Kate was raised in a more affluent, two-parent family, and her abundance mindset caused her to be less frugal and worrisome about spending.

Power struggles can be exaggerated between partners when they have unmet needs for power or control from prior relationships. In the beginning of a relationship, we tend to present our best selves and only see the best in our partners. But that honeymoon stage always ends, and disillusionment can set in.  

When we get close to someone, it can bring to the surface unresolved issues from the past — the very things that we might want to avoid.  I have seen too many relationships sabotaged or crumble because one or both partners are unaware that they bring a backlog of hurt, fears, and ambivalence from their past into present interactions. Self-awareness is the first step toward healing and change so couples can learn to deal with their emotional baggage that weighs them down and causes them to fight.

We all have a composite picture of the people who influenced us in the past – their looks, personality, tone of voice, behavior, and so many other factors that help define them. For instance, you might pick someone who is emotionally detached because your father was that way and that’s what you know.

Although you know your partner cannot meet your needs – you may have a repetition compulsion – an unconscious tendency to want to fix the past, to recreate it, to make it better. In A General Introduction to Psychoanalysis, Dr. Sigmund Freud, discussed the fact that the repetition compulsion manifested itself in many of his patients who endured problematic relationships by creating toxic relationship dynamics.  Breaking this pattern takes insight and great courage for couples who may not be fully aware of it.

Perhaps it is because intimate relationships bring the possibility of love and closeness that we’re confronted with wounds from our past. If you’re not aware of our emotional triggers, let alone how to handle them, your intimate relationships will be more turbulent.

Many times, I have seen unacknowledged triggers create suffering and chaos. Becoming more conscious of intense reactions and not denying them or becoming defensive, is the first step to coping effectively. Bringing to consciousness those triggers that provoke extreme responses from you, will lessen your risk for sabotaging your relationship by withdrawing, arguing, issuing ultimatums, or threatening to end the relationship.

Become Aware of Your Triggers

It truly is worth putting in the effort to explore your emotional triggers. The more aware you are, the less you’ll be ruled by past relationships. Exploring your triggers is an ongoing process. The first step is actually to commit to the process by discussing the concept of triggers or “hot buttons.” For instance, you might reflect on how you notice a sudden shift in the emotional tone of a conversation with your partner. Describing “triggers” will help you both raise self-awareness.

For instance, when Evan became more aware of his triggers which were about finances, he realized that he didn’t have to worry excessively about spending money because he wasn’t a single parent like his mother. As a result, he was able to speak more rationally with Kate about his fears of not having enough money and to compromise by buying a small home in a safe neighborhood that she found acceptable.

In turn, Kate was able to be vulnerable and to admit that there are many benefits to being married to someone as frugal as Evan. She told him that she admired his ability to save money and plan for their retirement. Kate became aware that one of her triggers was feeling ignored (since both of her parents worked long hours as attorneys) and she was able to tell Evan how she felt calmly. She requested that he turn toward her when they talked about important issues and use good eye contact. Their communication improved markedly when they became aware of their triggers, stopped digging their heels in, and dialed down their defensiveness.

Emotional Baggage Can Cause Us to Overreact to Triggers

When we’re triggered emotionally, it can usually be traced to one or more of our deepest needs or desires not being met. Take some time to think about which of your needs or desires were being threatened during a tough conversation with your partner. These needs include, acceptance, autonomy, attention, safety, love, being respected, being valued, and being in control.

Becoming more aware of your bodies’ reactions to triggers, your thoughts, and unmet needs and desires, during difficult conversations with your partner, will help you identify and own your vulnerabilities. By being aware of your triggers, such as feeling threatened by your partner’s comments about a close family member, you’ll be better able to cope. For instance, rather than arguing or issuing ultimatums, you might simply request that your partner respect your request to stop making derogatory comments, to change the subject, or even give you a hug.

Recovery Conversations Can Heal

According to author Daniel B. Wile, ”There are always going to be fights. You cannot avoid them entirely. What you can do is becoming more skillful at recovering from them by learning how to talk about them after an argument.”

A few hours after their fight, Kate and Evan had a calm recovery conversation which allowed them to process their earlier disagreement, each person owning their part in it, and expressing their views on how to search for a home. At this point, they were ready for a compromise that would meet both of their needs for a moderately priced home in a safe neighborhood.  Rather than rupturing the bond in their relationship, their repair attempt helped bring them closer. They were both able to talk about their feelings without getting defensive, listen to each other, and take responsibility for their actions.

Terry’s award-winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on this website. Her new book The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around was published by Sounds True in 2020 and is the winner of American Book Fest’s 2020 Best Book Award in Self-Help Relationships. It’s available on the home page of this website.

Terry offers coaching on relationship issues, marriage, and divorce. Click this link for more information.