Terry Gaspard MSW, LICSW

One of the frequent questions that divorced clients ask me is “What is the right time to introduce my new love interest to my child after my divorce?

First of all, I would take it slow when dating after divorce and not introduce your love interest to your kids right away. While there’s no perfect or exact time that’s best, you want to be fairly sure that this person is going to be in your life for a while Typically, it takes at least three or four months to figure this out.

Them put yourself in your child’s shoes and imagine the sensitivities they might have when they find out you’re dating. For instance, it’s normal for them to compare your new partner to their other parent. Inevitably, your child will rate their biological parent more positively than someone you’re dating.

It’s also common for you new partner to feel nervous when they meet your children for the first time and their behavior may not come across as mature or authentic.

You are wise to consider your child’s age and to recognize that this transition may be an adjustment for them. While young children under age five, may be confused when they find out you’re dating, they tend to make a quicker adjustment than an older child. School age children usually ask a lot of questions and may need reassurance that this new person is not going to replace their biological mom or dad.

Overall, teenagers might have more difficulty (than a younger child) accepting your new partner and they may express anger, jealousy, and even act out their negative feelings by either lashing out at you (or your new partner), or withdrawing.

If you approach dating thoughtfully after your divorce and consider your children’s needs, it will pay off in the long run. Your kids may feel a mixed bag of emotions about you dating and even harbor fantasies that you will reconcile with your ex-spouse. This might make it a challenge for them to accept someone you’re dating into their lives.

As a result, it’s crucial to assess whether your new romantic relationship is casual or might be permanent. Ask yourself: Is my new partner a good fit for my family? After all, you might have great chemistry and compatibility with someone, but they might not be well suited to join your family.

6 Tips For Introducing A New Partner to Your Children After Your Divorce:  

1. Consider that your needs for intimacy may conflict with your children’s needs. Just because you are smitten with your new love, it doesn’t mean that your kids will share your positive feelings. In fact, children of divorce often feel rivalry with their parents’ love interest – especially the first few years after the divorce.
2. Timing is essential to healthy family adjustment after divorce. Children need time to adjust to their parents’ split and it can take at least two years for them to get over anger, sadness, and other emotions. Introducing a new love interest too soon may delay or damage this process. You owe it to your kids to take it slow!
3. Consider your children’s emotional needs. Introducing your new lover to your kids can increase stress in the house and take energy away your kid’s ability to grieve the losses associated with your divorce.
4. Have fun dating when your kids are with their other parent, friends, or family members. If you introduce your children to someone who you are dating casually, this may create ambivalence for them about intimacy if things don’t work out. Inform your kids that you are going out with friends and that’s enough information.
5. It’s important to reassure your kids that your partner will not replace their other parent or change your relationship with them. Have realistic expectations about your children’s acceptance of your new partner.
6. Set an example for responsible parenting and dating. Keep in mind that your children look to you as a model for healthy adult romantic relationships so proceed with caution.

If you’ve been dating someone for a while (at least 3-4 months) and feel relatively confident that you are heading toward commitment, talk to your children and explain that you are dating someone who you care about and that you’d like to introduce to them. Ask them if they have any questions. Keep the first meeting short and low key. Going to a park or out for ice cream (or a neutral spot) for the first meeting is best. Ask your kids where they’d like to go and don’t invite your partner’s children to join you on the first few visits.

Be sure not to plan an overnight with your new love interest in your home right away. If you have joint or shared custody, it should be easy to spend an overnight with them when your children are with your ex. Having your new partner spent the night should only be an option once you are fairly sure that your relationship is permanent or you are engaged.

While dating after divorce can be exciting and pleasurable, it can confuse and upset a child if parents introduce them to a new love interest too soon, or expect them to have instant affection or love for this person. Keeping your children’s needs in mind will help to promote their resilience while you make a smooth transition into the next phase of your life.

Terry’s award-winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on this website. Her new book The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around was published by Sounds True in 2020 and is the winner of American Book Fest’s 2020 Best Book Award in Self-Help Relationships. It’s available on the home page of this website.

Terry offers coaching on relationship issues, marriage, and divorce. Click this link for more information.