By Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW
While every relationship is unique, clients often ask me to explain the qualities that make a relationship last. My response is usually that it’s defined by admiration and friendship. To admire someone means that you approve of the way they conduct themselves with others and treat you and other people with respect.
If you want to maintain a strong connection and friendship with your partner you must respond positively to bids or overtures for connection. This means you show interest in their daily life, ask good questions, and validate your partner’s feelings about situations that arise. In other words, you’re in their corner and you let them know you’re there for the long haul.
When Peter, 48, and Jena, 50, came to their first couples therapy session, they discussed their recent unhappiness with their relationship.
Peter puts it like this: “We’ve lost respect for each other and don’t feel connected. Maybe it’s all the arguments, we’re not good friends like we used to be and it feels like we’re roommates.”
My response to Peter and Jena was, “Admiration and friendship are two key ingredients in a lasting marriage. However, in any relationship, you will face difficulties and your love will be tested. Admiration and respect are the basis of any long-term committed relationship that endures the test of time.
Foster Admiration and Friendship with Your Partner
There is recent evidence that happy, lasting relationships rely on a lot more than a marriage certificate and that friendship provides the glue that holds couples together. Be sure to look for qualities you admire in your partner and remind yourself of these admirable qualities regularly.
When it comes to matters of the heart, where admiration and respect are found, love will be sustained. But where these things are absent, love will die. Finding a partner who likes and respects you as much as you do him or her will give you the best chance of finding lasting love.
That said, if your expectations are for an effortless relationship, you might be at risk for throwing in the towel at the earliest sign of any discord. Think of how many good relationships have been discarded before they matured, dismissing a life partner while searching for a soul mate.”
In Hold me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson, explains that we all have raw spots (in our emotional skin) that are tender to the touch and deeply painful. Sue Johnson explains: “A responsive partner helps us work through our painful feelings.” It is natural to feel exposed as we allow ourselves to fall in love and it takes determination to work through each partner’s vulnerabilities and wounds.
Peter and Jena have navigated many challenges together such as having a son with special needs. The also both have a strong desire to be right and tend to dig their heels in during an argument.
Jena puts it like this: “I didn’t realize how self-righteous I was until Terry pointed it out in therapy. She asked me “Do I want to be right, or be married?” Thankfully Peter wants to work on our relationship and neither one of us is bailing out.”
Jena and Peter’s twenty-year marriage illustrates how a supportive partner can help you deal with the unpredictable, ever-changing aspects of life as your vulnerabilities are exposed and you face challenges or disagree.
hat are ways to create a long lasting a healthy relationship? In his book The Relationship Cure, distinguished observer of marital relations, Dr. John Gottman writes: “It’s not that these couples don’t get mad or disagree. It’s that when they disagree, they’re able to stay connected and engaged with each other. Rather than becoming defensive and hurtful, they pepper their disputes with flashes of affection, intense interest, and mutual respect.”
The list below are 8 signs of admiration and friendship in a relationship
- You admire your partner for who he or she is as a person. You like and respect who they are and how they carry themselves through the world. If you can’t respect the way a person lives their life, let alone admire them, it’s hard to keep any relationship going
- Your partner responds to your bids for connection. According to Dr.’s John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, this means they turn toward you with a positive response when you’re making an attempt to connect. And you show them the same affirmative response, rather than turning away (no response), or turning away (being annoyed or shutting down).
- You respect each other’s emotional and physical boundaries and feel safe in the relationship. This means that you feel free to express your thoughts, feelings, and desires openly. You’re comfortable being vulnerable and honest with your partner.
- Your partner is trustworthy. He or she calls when they say they will and follows through on promises. It’s impossible to build trust in someone who does not keep their agreements.
- You enjoy each other’s company. Mira Kirshenbaum writes, “Couples who do have this dimension of chemistry going for them have a shortcut to intimacy and a buffer against the stressful times we all face.”
- You have genuine affection and passion for each other. Hopefully, sexual intimacy goes hand and hand with affection. Physical affection, such as cuddling on the couch can also bring you closer. Dr. Gottman recommends that couples start the day (and reunite) with a six-second kiss and he believes this will help them to feel connected.
- You feel there’s real mutual respect. You accept, admire, and respect each other for who you are. According to Kirshenbaum, if you don’t have respect for your partner, it will eat away at chemistry until you have nothing left.
- You see each other as individual’s rather than clone’s of one another. As a result, you strive to listen and understand each other’s perspective.
All relationships have conflict and inevitable ups and downs. However, fostering respect and friendship can go a long way to help your love thrive and withstand the test of time. All relationships are nurtured with loving words and mutual respect. Be sure to seek out couples therapy if you want guidance about ways to get back on track with your partner. It’s worth the time and energy invested in therapy to find out the formula for a lasting and healthy marriage or committed relationship.
If you still have questions or want support to consider whether you want to stay in a relationship or marriage, contact me for personal coaching. My coaching link here.
Terry’s award-winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on this website. Terry’s book, The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around, will be published by Sounds True in February of 2020 and can be pre-ordered here.
