By Terry Gaspard, LICSW
Suzanne, 35, sat on the couch in my office and described her fear of being left by her partner, Devon, age 38. Although they’ve been together for five years (and lived together four years) she continues to feel insecure in their relationship. Whenever he leaves for a business trip or goes away for a weekend with one of his friends, Suzanne goes into the panic mode.
Suzanne puts it like this, “Devon says he loves me and is faithful but I’ve been cheated on by my last two partners so I have this intense worry that he’ll do the same thing. I know I don’t have any proof of this and when I talk to Devon about my fears, he gets angry and accuses me of being paranoid.”
What is Fear of Abandonment?
Abandonment is our earliest fear. It’s primal and universal to all human beings. Abandonment is the unique element of our existence that makes the loss of a job, separation, death of a loved one, and breakup or divorce so painful. We are left feeling vulnerable and unable to express it easily.
Often fear of abandonment is so frightening that it remains buried for years until an intimate relationship awakens fears of being left on the doorstep – of feeling left behind. Fear of abandonment can easily lead to mistrust and irrational beliefs that can sabotage a relationship. These include:
- Everyone I love eventually leaves me.
- If I show my partner the true me, he/she probably won’t like me and will go away.
- I can’t ask for what I need, because my partner will think I’m being too demanding.
- If my relationship fails, I am unworthy.
- Marriages and commitment trap people.
- All relationships end.
- Marriages and relationships may work for a while, but they always end up souring.
- Everyone I love eventually leaves me.
- There is something wrong with me, and I won’t ever find a partner who truly loves me.
- I always pick the wrong partners, or the wrong partners always pick me.
All of the above statements reflect a lack of confidence. If you truly want to have a lasting and satisfying relationship, you must first acknowledge and work to overcome your fear of abandonment, self-doubt and lack of self-acceptance.
How Do I Learn to Trust?
Trusting yourself will only happen when you are able to love others in a committed way and believe in your ability to find lasting love.
There’s one certainty in life: there isn’t one person on this planet who hasn’t made mistakes when it comes to relationships. Some people make more mistakes than others when it comes to falling in love with a toxic partner. But only the truly masochistic person makes poor decisions and relishes the results. Most of us hope we are making good choices at the time, even if we get badly burned later.
If you’ve had your heart broken a couple times, you may start to lose trust in yourself. After all, if you’ve made bad choices in the past, how do you know you’ll make the right ones the next time around?
Mistrust, at its origin, is really the fear of being left. A person can be afraid their partner will abandon them in all sorts of ways, and it doesn’t always involve him or her leaving with another person. Sometimes the biggest betrayal is when a partner leaves emotionally. You might fear that when someone truly to gets to know you, really knows you, they’ll ultimately leave you. Do you question if the words your partner says are true? One day this person might change his or her mind. One day he or she might stop loving you, and there will be nothing you can do to stop it.
Proving trust is so much more than catching your partner in a lie. To trust someone, you must have faith in them. You must have a strong belief and conviction that you won’t be hurt by your partner. You must believe your partner is honest and dependable, and that you are his or her first priority. Can you say that you are truly confident in your partner? Are you confident that your partner is truthful, faithful, and in every way present in your relationship?
Cultivating this sort of relationship is the greatest challenge for many people who fear abandonment. If your heart has been broken a couple times, you may start to lose trust in yourself. After all, if you’ve made bad choices in the past, how do you know you’ll make the right ones the next time around?
The scariest thing about falling in love is living with the knowledge that it might end. You are faced with a choice. You can come at relationships from a place of love and trust, or you can choose to be suspicious, doubtful, and wary.
The most important thing to consider is whether your partner is worthy of trust. Have his or her actions matched his or her words? Does your partner treat you with respect? Is your partner reliable? Is your partner faithful and truthful? If the answer to these questions is yes, you must choose to trust.
It’s possible you might end up getting hurt. But if your partner has shown you trustworthy behavior, you should reward him or her by showing trust in return. Practice trusting others in small steps. Trust is a skill that you can nurture over time when you cultivate self-compassion. Pick yourself up each time you overact to triggers from your past and stumble. Be gentle with yourself as you rebuild trust in others!
Terry’s award-winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on this website. Her new book The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around was published by Sounds True in 2020 and is the winner of American Book Fest’s 2020 Best Book Award in Self-Help Relationships. It’s available on the home page of this website.
Terry offers coaching on relationship issues, marriage, and divorce. Click this link for more information.
