To many, divorce represents the end of a marriage and the multitude of related experiences that characterized their life together. For some, however, what appears to be the demise of their relationship can mark the start of something new. While the process of divorce is never easy, for certain individuals, it may bring new opportunities for growth. Divorce makes one finally make the decisions they have been avoiding for years. It ends the harm that you may be causing yourself and others by your negative patterns of behavior. It gives you the opportunity to rebuild your life in a healthy, positive way. Although not easy and not positive in and of itself, the overall effect can be very freeing. Today, we’ll explore divorce as a catalyst for recovery.

The Slow Breakdown Before the Legal Process

In almost every case, the divorce begins before the lawyer even receives the papers. Before there are lawyers, mediators, or judges, there is conflict. Conflicts that are often initially subtle and then grow into continuing areas of tension and anger. Arguments that attack each other’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors – where emotions are manipulated to distort reality. Conflicts in which each side increasingly refuses to listen to or support the other. Where communication slowly stops and becomes awkward, stilted, and unproductive – a faint shadow of what it once was. Growing distances, where mutual understanding and support are increasingly missed. Over time, what had once been a true marriage or partnership transforms into two separate individuals living together in emotional isolation and cold hostility.

Both partners may be aware that there are problems in the relationship. However, they may not know what to do about them. Some partners may attempt to ignore the problems with the hope that they will go away. This can continue for months or years before the couple actually considers divorce. However, by the time the subject of divorce is broached, the relationship will have been under a considerable amount of stress for some time.

Caption: Substance use can slowly erode trust in the marriage.  Alt: Couple sitting on a couch in distress.

When Addiction Becomes Part of the Breakdown

A relationship breakdown is hard enough without other issues involved. Addiction can be one of the most challenging issues that a couple can face when dealing with a breakdown. It can destroy trust and add layers of sadness, anger, and frustration to an already tough situation. For the non-addicted side, it can be all-consuming and exhausting. They can feel emotional and at their wits’ end trying to parent, manage, and care for an unstable and often unpredictable partner or family member from day to day. The exhausted side is left feeling shocked, hurt, angry, and sad as they watch their loved one repeatedly make promises that are never kept. Such is the situation when substance abuse enters a marriage.

Once substance abuse enters a marriage, conflict between both spouses escalates as financial stress begins to pile up, and the trust factor reaches rock bottom. Other unfortunate consequences for both spouses and children in the home can be police involvement, eviction from a home, and an eventual filing for divorce. The latter is not necessarily intended as a punitive measure but to safeguard and nurture the physical and emotional well-being of all parties involved. In some cases, once an individual enters counseling for his or her addiction, divorce may become an amicable solution for both sides, as each other’s well-being is given top priority.

The Moment Everything Becomes Clear

For many people, there is a particular moment when things fall apart. It happens either suddenly and traumatically in a fierce argument or more slowly and with growing desperation as reality dawns that you tried everything, and it’s not getting better. The decision to file for divorce is a very hard one. It can feel irreversible. And yet, it brings a clarity all its own.

Divorce means a transition from the ‘bad marriage’ status quo to a new status quo. Unlike mediation or collaboration, divorce is a legal process where the terms under which the couple will be separated are established. It’s a process that comes into reality through written agreements and timely actions. It requires decisions regarding the distribution of property, financial responsibilities, residences, and, in the case of minor children, custody arrangements. Most people find this process to be both difficult and time-consuming, but the end result is knowing in what direction you are going. This could be the first time change really happens. It’s unlike previous experiences where there was an unstable or unhealthy environment.

Why Rock Bottom Can Lead to Change

This idea of “rock bottom” that we often speak about doesn’t necessarily have to be a terrible tragedy and a crumbling world around you. Rock bottom can very well be the moment where you realize you can’t keep on doing what you’ve been doing. We said divorce can be that moment for some people because even good marriages can create a routine and a certain normalcy in your life that keeps you from paying attention to certain things or helps you to ignore, perhaps, some of the things that are unhealthy about you and how you’re living. Divorce as a catalyst for recovery can obviously shatter that routine. It can bring much distress, and perhaps in the midst of that, you might even have to face the reality of your life, which isn’t always pleasant, but can be necessarily confrontive.

This realization of how you are currently living will inevitably lead to recognizing some stress in your life. You might have to look at the problem of things that you had refused to look at prior to the divorce. That’s not easy to have to face, but it can be where the rubber meets the road regarding real change for your life.

Facing Personal Responsibility

Many people who experience a divorce will point out what went wrong with their spouse. What is not always realized is that acknowledging contributions to the issues in your marriage can actually be a crucial step to recovery. This does not mean that you have to take blame for all of the problems in the relationship. Instead, you can identify some of your own patterns and choices in relation to your spouse and where you may have gone wrong.

Initially, your spouse and the marriage itself may have served as a structure that facilitated and obscured your addiction. Moreover, your spouse and other loved ones may have even covered for you from time to time. While it is true that your divorce may be perceived as a loss and a sense of emptiness or disillusionment, it can also be an opportunity for you to seek the help that you need. You can get into counseling or a support group, or even opt for more formal inpatient or outpatient addiction treatment

Rebuilding Daily Life

In the immediate days and weeks after divorce, many people struggle with new routines. Whether or not physical space changes, daily life is transformed by the change in marital status. Routines for managing finances are often reorganized, social routines might be disrupted by the divorce, and often, people start afresh with an opportunity to develop routines which support their recovery rather than continue to add stress. Getting enough sleep, eating regular meals, and establishing a daily routine of work, exercise,e or leisure can help establish a platform for growth. For those already in recovery, having a structure that brings some certainty in the face of huge change is crucial.

Creating a Different Future

Recovery from divorce takes time. And we mean a long time! There are a multitude of emotions that must be acknowledged and processed, not all pleasant. Daily, your feelings about your divorce may change. From sadness, anger, relief, to a mixture of many. Rather than ignoring them and storing up unnecessary stress down the road, it’s best to deal with them slowly and on purpose. Having support from family and friends and professionals such as social workers or counselors can make the transition easier.

While relief might feel good in the moment, it is not necessarily long-term. It is helpful to give yourself time to process the many changes in your life. Letting others support you through this time will make it less painful. Remember that for a while, you may doubt your decision to get a divorce or feel shame about the decision. However, as you settle into your new life, a routine and increased emotional clarity, the doubts will fade.

Moving Forward with Clarity

After the divorce is over, one of the sweetest things it can bring you is the freedom to make different choices for your life. Different choices about the people you surround yourself with, different choices about the hobbies you participate in, different choices about your goals. For many people struggling, they see divorce as a catalyst for recovery. In the past, your divorce attorney may have had to negotiate away your right to complain about constantly giving up your needs, wishes, and values in the name of a “good” marriage. But today, you have the power to explore and re-discover what are the things that bring you happiness and growth. You can learn what healthy boundaries are and how to say no and set expectations for yourself and others.

By Drew McLaughlin, Director of Business Development, Little Creek Recovery

Meta: Many people see divorce as a catalyst for recovery. Let’s look into why rock bottom sometimes comes in legal papers.

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