By Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW
While a second (or third) marriage can be exhilarating and seen as a second chance at happiness, it’s important to prepare for the challenges if you want to be successful. Blending children and/or family members coming from two different worlds can lead to conflict.
And if couples don’t have the tools to manage arguments, they might escalate over time. When disagreements become more frequent and intense, they can damage the positive aspects of a couples connection that brought them together in the first place.
Let’s face it, most couples in second or third marriages face obstacles that those in first ones just don’t. It’s no surprise that while the divorce rate for first marriages hovers around 45 percent, the rate for second marriages is approximately 67 percent. You might wonder why this is, since intuitively we should learn important lessons from our first marriage and carry those into subsequent ones.
Unrealistic Expectations
However, many remarried couples have unrealistic expectations and convince themselves that their new love interest will wipe away their pain and heal their baggage from their first marriage. Once the romance of dating and early marriage wears off, they might feel discouraged and begin to argue more and forget their partner’s wonderful qualities. This can lead to dissatisfaction and they might even threaten to end the marriage. In addition, parents might expect that their partner and their own biological child will easily form a good relationship.
In fact, research by Patricia Papernow found that there’s no such thing as instant love between a stepparent and a child. Most stepparents feel like an outsider. Since their partner had a preexisting relationship with their biological child and they may continue to spend time alone together, leaving the stepparent out. On the other hand, stepchildren, may feel jealous about the time their parent spends with their new partner and this rivalry can lead to tension and resentment.
What Are Other Reasons Why Remarriage Can Be Challenging?
Many couples remarry on the rebound (soon after a divorce from a former spouse). Meanwhile, children need time to heal from the emotional turmoil of their parents’ divorce. It’s important not to introduce your new partner to your kids too soon. There are many reasons why kids have difficulty adjusting to blended family life — discipline from a stepparent, loyalty issues and rivalries. However, if a child or teenager is given time and the message that their parent has enough love to share, they are better able to withstand the stresses and storms inherent in most second marriages and stepfamilies.
Prepare Yourself for Conflict
From my firsthand and clinical experience, it’s important to expect plenty of conflicts in second marriages and a remarried family so that you can avoid feeling blindsided. Stepparents and parents often disagree on parenting strategies, for instance, and kids get caught in the crossfire. Past histories collide and divided loyalties rear their ugly head when kids feel they have to defend their biological parent or carve out space in a new territory — not to mention often living between their parent’s disparate worlds. For example, they may have to cope with adjusting to different expectations and rules in both of their parent’s homes.
Further, money is one of the most common things couples argue about in any marriage and financial problems can tear the newly remarried couples apart. Often newlyweds in remarried families start off with urgent needs, such as a larger home and/or car and a bigger vacation budget. The stress and strain of struggling to pay child support and maintaining multiple residences can worsen financial stress and burdens.
8 Ways to Help Your Remarriage Thrive:
1, Make Your Marriage a Priority: This means you devote time to spend together and a “us against the problem” rather than a “us against each other” mindset when problems arise. Rather than digging your heels in and trying to prove a point, you need to spend more time listening than talking when you’re in conflict. According to Dr. John Gottman, it’s important to have five positive comments for each negative one when you’re in conflict with your partner.
For instance, when Emily gets frustrated at Alex, she does her best to avoid criticizing him for leaving a mess in the kitchen. Instead, she thanks him for starting her laundry since she was in a rush before work in the morning. If Alex feels appreciated, he’s less likely to attack Emily or get defensive when she comments on the dishes he left in the sink.
Psychologist Robert Weiss, suggests we avoid a “negative sentiment override” which means that negative comments become so habitual that they color the positive things happening between you and your partner. You can do this by not responding to the negative comments your partner makes with a counter attack, listen, and then state how you feel in a gentle way.
- Ask for What You Need and Use a Softened (or Gentle) Start-up
Don’t be surprised if some of your discussions get heated, especially around hot-button issues such as money, parenting, vacations, etc.. Start conversations with how you feel, followed by why you feel the way you do, and what you would like to see happen or change.
Use “I Statements” such as “I would like to talk about our finances because I feel worried, let me know when you’re free.” This is more effective than a “You Statement” such as “You never tell me about how you spend your money, and we’re headed for financial trouble.”
- Practice the Art of Forgiveness
Forgiveness means you can give an apology and mean it, as well as accepting one from your partner. It isn’t the same as condoning the hurt done to you, but it will allow you to move on. Try to remember you’re on the same team and don’t make excuses when you say or do things to hurt your partner’s feelings.
- Spend Couples Time Alone Weekly
A “date night” or couples time is very rewarding and can bring you and your partner closer even if it’s going on a walk or for a picnic together without your kids. You might enjoy going for a bike ride or engaging in other forms of exercise together.
- Don’t Let Anger and Resentment Build
Resentment and anger build when couples shut down and are not vulnerable with each other. So, remember to take the time to express thoughts, feelings and wishes in a respectful and timely way. Discuss hot button issues privately away from your kids, but hold regular, informal family meetings to clear the air and address family issues.
- Embrace Your Role as A Stepparent
The role of the stepparent is one of a friend and supporter rather than a disciplinarian. Of course, there are exceptions such as when they’re demonstrating unsafe or unkind behavior. Learn new strategies and share your ideas with your partner. Since 40 percent of remarried couples bring children to their marriage, it’s important to learn ways to improve your communication about your children and help them adjust to a new kind of family.
- Don’t Keep Secrets about Finances and Have Monthly “Money Talks.”
Since arguing about money is a leading cause of divorce, it’s crucial that you’re transparent about finances and maintain full disclosure. Examine your upbringing and the messages you inherited about money such as “money doesn’t grow on trees.” Discuss your different values and beliefs as well as your financial styles such as spender or saver. Also, look to experts for advice about financial health, such as a certified financial planner, and have regular discussions with a goal of “we’re in it together.”
Focus more on changing yourself, than trying to fix your partner. Do your best to repair from conflict quickly by using the softened-start up described above and by showing appreciation for your partner. Be sure to turn toward him or her when they make a bid for connection, rather than looking at your phone, ignoring them, or walking away from them.
Accept that there are inevitable ups and downs in remarriage and stepfamily life. Don’t let your feelings of discouragement take over because there are lots of great times. Make a commitment to practice endurance and patience. In time, many of the kinks inherent in stepfamily life will smooth out.
Follow Terry Gaspard on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Her book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Terry’s new book, The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around, was published by Sounds True in February of 2020.
