By Terry Gaspard MSW, LICSW
You will disagree with your partner, that’s a given. But it’s not arguing with your partner that’s the problem, it’s how your differences are managed. Spending more time listening than talking in conversations with him or her is a good first step.
Oftentimes, during conflict, you might be trying hard to prove a point and forget that healthy relationships are characterized by give and take. This means accepting that you won’t always see eye to eye and you’ll often need to compromise when you disagree on a solution to a problem.
Rather than attempting you be “right” during a disagreement, adopt a it’s “us against the problem” rather than “us against each other.” Do your best to align with your partner on something they say that you agree with, even if you don’t appreciate all of the fine points of their comments or suggestions. Avoid casting blame by assuming the best of him or her and focusing on forging a stronger connection.
For instance, Kevin says to Sydney, “I’d like to cut back on getting take out so we can save money to busy a home.” And even though Sydney didn’t agree in cutting out take out all together she might say, “I’m in agreement with cutting back on ordering take out. How about we cut back from two night a week to twice a month?”
When issues come up with either of these needs, it’s essential that you discuss them with your partner and find creative ways to compromise. Kevin, 42, and Sydney, 40, have very different spending habits, for instance, and it can cause them both to get very frustrated and upset.
However, through participating in couples counseling, Kevin and Sydney are learning to be more transparent about money matters and to talk things out rather than to stew or keep secrets about how they spend their money. They’re always realizing the value of monthly money talks to go over their budget and set financial goals.
Taking the time to manage conflicts with your partner in a healthy way is hard work – but the payoff is tremendous. It’s essential that you accept differences rather than define your relationship problems in terms of your partner’s character flaws, according to Deborah Hecker, Ph.D. She writes, “Typically I define couples’ problems in terms of differences between them rather than the defects in either partner. A focus on defectiveness leads to blame and accusations on the one hand and defensiveness on the other. Effective solutions are not likely to result.”
Every relationship has its ups and downs, and conflict goes with the territory. Yet you might avoid conflict because it may have signified the end of your parents’ marriage or led to bitter disputes. Marriage counselor, Michele Weiner Davis explains that avoiding conflict backfires in intimate relationships. She posits that bottling up negative thoughts and feelings doesn’t give your partner a chance to change their behavior.
On the other hand, Weiner cautions that one of the secrets of a good marriage or romantic relationship is learning to choose battles wisely and to distinguish between petty issues and important ones.
Sydney explains how identifying her part in communication breakdowns with Kevin, helped save her marriage. “In the past, I used to focus on what Kevin was doing wrong until a good friend reminded me that I may want to try harder to communicate my feelings to him without blaming him.” Sydney realized that she hadn’t learned healthy ways of resolving conflicts from her parents who had loud, abusive arguments in front of her and her two younger siblings.
According to relationship expert Dr. Patricia Love, it’s important to stop keeping score and to try not to win every argument, even when you’re in the right. Instead, Love says, “think of winning an unofficial contest I like to call ‘Who’s the Bigger Person?’ Resolving Conflicts is about who wants to grow the most and what’s best for your relationship.’” In the beginning of a relationship, couples tend to focus more on their similarities. Yet after a while, negative projections tend to surface and your partner may remind you of someone from your past. This could explain why some couples who seemed so compatible when they first got together, have more conflicts as time goes by.
The next time you argue with your partner, and take a look at the part you play instead of focusing on their flaws. Keep in mind Dr. John Gottman’s guiding principle of adding more positive interactions – a five-to-one ratio. For every negative interaction in a relationship, you need five positive ones. Since we all have weaknesses, focus on not getting defensive because that will only push him or her away. You can’t control your partner’s words or actions, but you can exercise control over your response to them and regain love and respect for each other’s differences.
7 ways to stop the “blame game” and resolve conflicts in a healthy way:
- Approach conflict with a ”Us against the problem rather than a “Us against each other.” Listen to their perspective, and try to agree with something they say so you can compromise.
- Take a risk and talk about hurt feelings– especially if it’s an important issue. Opening up to our partner can make us feel vulnerable and exposed, but it is the most important ingredient of a trusting, intimate relationship.
- Avoid building a case against your partner and don’t make lists of their flaws.
- Approach conflict with a problem-solving attitude. Avoid trying to prove a point and examine your part in a disagreement.
- Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements that tend to come across as blameful. For instance, saying “I felt hurt when you bought me that gift” will work better than “You never buy me thoughtful gifts.”
- Don’t make threats or issue ultimatums. Avoid saying things you’ll regret later.
- Take a short break if you feel overwhelmed or flooded. This will give you time to calm down and collect your thoughts. Sometimes it’s best to “drop it” in order to stop the “blame game.”
Moving away from focusing on what your partner did to upset you (or their behavior that you find annoying or unacceptable) takes effort and positive intentions. Remember to pause if you feel heated up during a disagreement and ask yourself: “Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?” If your goal is to have a more loving relationship or marriage, shifting your mindset to one of “we’re in it together” will help you to achieve lasting love.
Terry’s award-winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on this website. Her book The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around was published by Sounds True in 2020 and is the winner of American Book Fest’s 2020 Best Book Award in Self-Help Relationships.
Preorder Terry’s new book, Let’s Talk About Money: Low-Conflict Conversations for Couples here.
If you have questions or want support to deal with relationship issues, contact me for personal coaching for a low cost. My coaching link here.
