By Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW

Money is a touchy topic for most couples and the number one thing that couples argue about. In some cases, one person has a better handle on finances and feels their partner chronically makes bad decisions and doesn’t seem motivated to change.

For instance, you might have lost trust in your partner’s ability to handle money since they overspend frequently. Diana and Sam have been married for ten years. Diana, 38, is a saver who wants to stick to a budget and Sam, 40, is a spender who makes irresponsible decisions about money. That’s why Diana insists that they have separate checking accounts and she feels anxious about sharing a joint savings account.

Diana explains, “Money is a sore spot for us. I get frustrated when Sam dips into our savings and uses credit cards at the end of each month. I knew that money was tight coming up to payday last week, and Sam suggested we go to the movies and said he’d pay. When I asked him how we’d afford that, he reacted quite defensively and said I was accusing him of something crazy. He later admitted that he usually runs out of money each month and puts things on his credit card.”

Trust and intimacy go hand and hand in a romantic relationship. When I spoke to Diana, it became clear rather quickly that trust had eroded between her and Sam years ago and that they didn’t have a close connection. She resented Sam using credit cards like cash, living beyond their means, and keeping secrets.

If couples have very different styles of handling money, it can be a challenge to sustain trust and intimacy over the long haul. This is especially true if a partner lies about money or keeps secrets. Often problems like financial infidelity are a symptom of deeper issues that lay hidden for years. Financial infidelity can be defined as consciously or deliberately lying to a romantic partner abut financial behavior. It’s a situation when one partner intentionally hides a money-related secret from the other, expecting that they would disapprove.

And if your partner is irresponsible with money, it’s likely they’re somewhat impulsive with important decisions, and deny they have a problem. Their behavior might include spending too much on non-essential items, hiding credit card debt, bad credit scores, or hiding money in a separate account. Perhaps they’re not facing the full range of negative repercussions that can result from their regrettable financial decisions. Partners who make irrational decisions about money wreak havoc on their financial portfolio and they’re often driven by emotions rather than logic, according to Spencer Sherman, MBA.

 How Can You Help a Financially Irresponsible Partner?

What can you do if your partner is irresponsible with money and you don’t trust them? The first step in tackling this problem is suggesting that he or she take responsibility for their behavior and make a commitment to changing it. They also need to agree to using full disclosure about finances. Without these things, you won’t be able to move forward and build trust.

4 Ways to Build Trust When Your Partner is Financially Irresponsble:

1. Show empathy rather than criticizing your partner: If your partner is bad with money, it’s normal to feel frustrated, angry, or resentful and to criticize them. Instead, validate their experience and show compassion. Since most bad money habits come from our upbringing or lack of education and awareness, attempt to understand their reckless behavior, even though it’s not easy. Dr. John Gottman’s research found that criticism is one of the main causes of divorce. Remember that a complaint is different from criticism. For instance, this is a complaint, “I’m upset because you didn’t tell me that you purchased a new bike and charged it. We agreed to discuss non-essential credit card purchases, and money is tight right now.” This is a criticism: “You never tell me the truth. How can I trust you?” Remember that criticism might cause your spouse to be highly defensive and impede communication.
2. Discuss your financial goals during “money talks:” Set aside time at least once a month to go over your budget and discuss finances. Met in a quiet place where you won’t be distracted by T.V., chores, or children. Remind each other that you’re a team and hopefully share similar interests and goals. This a way to align your financial vision. For instance, if Sam overspends on eating lunch at restaurants, Diana can remind him of their goal to purchase a home.  Ask your partner, do you want to save for a home, vacation, retirement, or something else? Then elaborate by adding this phrase, “If either one of us overspends, we’re less likely to reach our goal.” Ask your partner: “How can we work together so we can both get some (not all) of our needs met?”
3. Involve a third party if needed: If you try the first two steps and don’t find success, it may be time to seek out a couples therapist, relationship advisor and/or a financial advisor. Sometimes people are less defensive and are more motivated to change behavior (such as overspending) if a third-party shares information and insights. In most cases, an advisor can help educate couples about creating better spending habits and communication skills so they can face the future without resentment about money.
4. Let go of trying to change your partner: Practice detachment which means you understand you can’t control your partner’s thoughts, actions, or choices. Ultimately, you can only control our own. This doesn’t mean you don’t care. It simply means you let go of trying to control your partner and you engage in self-care such as not letting your partner’s actions to impact your self-worth or sense of well-being.

While none of these suggestions will necessarily be a breeze to accomplish, take comfort in the fact that by being vulnerable and transparent with your partner, you’re promoting an open dialogue about finances. Showing empathy and understanding to your partner (who is irresponsible with money) can lessen perpetual tension in your relationship. Imagine sitting down together with a beverage and being able to have a low-conflict conversation about debts, your budget, savings, and financial dreams without feeling tense, getting defensive, or angry. By creating a shared vision about finances, you’re own your way to changing your mindset from “us against each other” to “us against the problem.”

Find Terry on Twitter, Facebook, Blue Sky, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award-winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship. Her book The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around was published by Sounds True in 2020.

Preorder Terry’s new book, Let’s Talk About Money: Low-Conflict Conversations for Couples here. It can help couples achieve prosperity, better communication about finances, and harmony in their relationship.

**Terry offers coaching to individuals and couples about divorce, marriage, remarriage, or relationship issues. She is also an expert on matters related to children of divorce and the challenges facing adult children of divorce. You can sign up for low-cost coaching here. In most cases you will be able to meet with her within a week.

*The names used in this blog are fictitious.